late night list

• I want a new hobby. Something creative but having nothing to do with words. For some reason, I am thinking about teaching myself to play the flute. I used to have the most rudimentary skills back in the day, and I think I could pick it back up with relative ease. But maybe I'm deluding myself. How much do flutes cost, anyway?
• Option B for the new hobby: painting. I already have some paint and canvas, but no brushes.
• Option C: Photography. But that would require a better camera. Why do hobbies have to cost money?
• It is time to expand my musical tastes from top 40 and indie girl groups. Any suggestions? I'm thinking more along the classical or bluesy lines. Something with instrumental artistry and no lyrics. Or Opera?
• I want to shut off my cable but I get twitchy just thinking about missing an episode of Grey's. I don't have bunny ears.
• I have been telling myself to go to the park for three or four days now. One day, I will listen to myself. What else is there to do for exercise when you are unathletic and uncoordinated?
• I still haven't been out to the farm. I'm going to send Karla an email right now.

some radom stuff

Mary, thank you for alerting me to the hilarity on Collin's blog! I've only been a fan of American Idol for three seasons, but this is definitely the worst ever, and Collin can explain why much better than I ever could. This shit cracked me up.

Cornshake's video find brightened up my already sunny morning.

I think I'm in for NaPoWriMo. I'm sure most of it will be useless drivel, but I need to start making my thesis grow.

I had a legitimate reason to write "pimps n' hos" on my whiteboard today. Some days teaching doesn't suck that much.

To prose or not to prose

I'm working on this poem that I want to be a prose poem, but I think it's asking for line breaks. I'm kind of sad about it. Maybe I'm just not meant to write prose poems. Or maybe I just don't understand what a prose poem is. I've been reading and rereading Simone's "Orange Girls" and Mary's "Milfoil & Afterthought." I need to find some more. It seems like they (prose poems) are everywhere until I'm actually wanting to read them, and then I can't find them anywhere.

Also, I'm struggling with the lies...I mean, the fictionalizing of personal experience. Trying to not be tied to "but that's how it happened." In this particular poem/story/memory, the truth of it is as bizarre as anything I could make up, but I still don't want to get stuck in reality or chronology, yet when I throw in something purely fictional, I feel like it doesn't fit. I wonder if I will ever be able to break away from "truth" in my poems.

Ugh.

I'm having a hard time being a teacher today. I feel like I'm not doing a very good job and I have a tendency to not like doing things I don't think I'm good at. My students are tough this semester. They don't like to participate. And I don't like to lecture. This isn't a good combination. When I plan a discussion and no one talks, I don't know what to do with the rest of the class period. I suppose I'm just not being tough enough, that I should be calling on people and forcing them to talk (or using the activities you all suggested for me a few weeks back), but the truth is, I don't want to have to force them. I want them to care and be active particpants in their own education. Is that too much to ask?

I was reading some articles today about Teach for America, and apparently, there are a lot of people out there who think the program undermines "real" teacher training (i.e. Education degrees) because they only provide 5 weeks of training. Do you know what I would give for 5 weeks of training? I got 4 days! About 20 hours. Did anyone teach me what to do with a non-responsive or disrespectful class? Nope. Do I have the skills to bring a wayward discussion back to the topic we were supposed to be discussing? Not so much. Will I get them through this sink-or-swim situation I'm in right now? Maybe. Could I use more training? Most definitely.

I suppose most TAs feel like this at some point during their first year. I'm just not enjoying it right now. I have so many other things to worry about (hello term papers!) that I really want to be able to kick out a quickie class plan and not worry that it will be a miserable failure.

Dare I Say It? An epiphany...

I don't think I want a PhD. At least not right away. I think this hemming and hawing and being fickle and indecisive is my subconscious's way of telling me, "I don't think so." I'm tired of writing papers and reading stuff that I don't want to read. I want more time to learn, more time to write, but I don't think I need to do it in a formal setting. I'm not ready to go on the academic job market, but I don't want to sign up for another degree just because I think it will help me get a job. And at this point, that's the primary reason I've been thinking about PhDs. So for now, the answer is no.

Instead, I'm starting to look into Teach for America and the Peace Corps. I think the Peace Corps will be impossible considering my current financial responsibilities (for example, that pesky 60-month loan I have on my car), but Teach for America seems pretty freaking cool (and I can take my car with me!). Lots more research to do, but if I'm going to apply for either, I'll need to decide by mid to late summer to get the process going. Back up plan? If I don't get either, I can always stay on at Akron as a part-timer. And I think I know some people who wouldn't mind too much if I got stuck in Akron. Right, Mary?

Well, now that my future seems sort of planned out (for the moment, anyhow), I can go back to the immediate concerns: class-plans, thesis writing, term papers.

If the weather keeps up like this, I predict there will be buds by this time next week. Thank God!

seriously...

Spring break is almost over. Can I tell you how much TV I watched? Waaay to much. How many poems I wrote? None. I have a cold...that's my excuse for not being more productive. But really, they call it "break" for a reason, right? Can't I have a week off?

There's lots of angst floating around these parts lately; seems like everyone is fighting with or breaking up with their significant others, getting sick, being depressed, feeling burnt out about school. Is it spring fever? A full moon? I hope it passes soon. I'm tired of everyone being all wound up and cranky (myself included).

In happier news, I'm a great aunt again--my niece gave birth to an 11 pound boy yesterday. Yikes! They live in Florida, so I'm thinking about a road trip in May to play the doting auntie.

Remember that plan I had? The one where I submit to five journals a week? How on earth am I supposed to make up my mind about them? Did I tell you I'm indecisive? I am.

Tonight, Mary is reading at Mona's Open Mic. I think it's going to be a great turn out. I haven't decided what I'm going to read for the open mic, though. Lots of new stuff in semi-finished drafts, but I'm not sure I'm ready to read them yet. And I don't want to read the same ones I read last month...although the turn out was a little slim last time, so only a handful of people will hear the repeats. I still have a few hours to decide. Heck, maybe that's enough time for another round of revisions.

Some friends of mine (Jessica, for example) are turning in/have turned in their thesis manuscripts for May graduation. I'm a little jealous that I'm not part of the first class, but I am SOOOOO glad that I don't have to pretend I'm ready for the real world just yet. I'm nervous because my thesis doesn't seem to be getting any longer. It seems like every time I write a new poem, I also decide I don't like an old one. I'm going to have to figure out what to do about that pretty soon. In the meantime, I'm trying to crank as many new ones as I can. They're different. Not about my family. Not as autobiographical, although still based on personal experience. Maybe a little darker. I wonder what CP is going to think of them.

10 minutes to kill

I'm going out to dinner with my sister tonight, but she just called to say she's running late, so I have ten minutes to kill. What can I blog about for ten minutes?

On Saturday, I met with the rest of the Akros staff to figure out our editorial process. This is the first year in quite some time that we have accepted submissions from outside the university and it's also (as far as I know) the biggest staff ever, so we were kind of confused about where to start. Well, I think we figured it out, and now I have a huge pile of poems to read (and some fiction...I'm not sure they should trust my opinion on that, though--I like Nora Roberts for Pete's sake). I'm really looking forward to it, but for some reason, the food network has been keeping me occupied for the last few days, so no reading done yet.

Last week, I sent some poems to Subtropics, Crazyhorse, AGNI, and The Cincinnati Review. Oh, and Post Road. My new goal is to send poems to at least five journals a week...I'm hoping pure oversaturation will get me published. I haven't picked my five for this week yet, I'm still rummaging through the piles I brought home from AWP and trying to match it up with the research I did before.

Well, looks like my ten minutes are up. Off to the Outback. Mmm...steak.

about those bald guys

Who knew my comment about Phil Stacey would draw so much controversy? (I say, tongue in cheek) Just to clarify...bald is beautiful, but Phil Stacey is a smarmy, Chris Daughtry wanna be who looks like a newt.

So, when Phil Stacey googles himself, I hope he doesn't find this, cuz I'll feel bad.

I can't decide between writing a poem about a bodily function or about a room with no one in it. There are others, too, but these keep playing in my mind. I'm also working on one about a trumpet player.

My friends got in a bar fight last night. Who knew a couple of English majors could hold their own against 8 or so other guys? Still stupid, though. When do they grow up?

After class tomorrow, I'm on the first of my two sorta-spring breaks. Week 1 - no teaching, but I still have class on Tues/Thurs. Week 2 - the opposite. This is almost better, especially since I never plan to go anywhere on spring break and because there's no weather to enjoy. (well, I suppose there is always weather. It's just not enjoyable)

I sent some poems out today. Crossing my fingers for good news. My mailbox has been filled with bills and junk for too long. I need to see some SASEs coming home.

I have plenty of poems to write and read tonight. I hope that I don't get sucked into the TV instead.

It's raining, it's pouring

I love spring rain. It feels clean, and fresh, and rejuvinating, and it washes away the last of the snow drifts. What could be better?

It has been a week and a half since AWP and I am finally caught up! My apartment is semi-clean, my bills paid (only one of them late!), my grading is done, my mid-term paper complete. There is nothing big due again until the end of April (and if I'm smart, I'll start the research now). Last night, I sat on the couch and watched Grey's re-runs and American Idol because my brain just needed to not do anything. Today, I'm hoping to make some headway on my thesis and/or get some submission packets put together.

I try so hard to keep poetry a priority, but if it isn't for a class, I tend to brush it under the rug. I need to start using my thesis hours a little more wisely.

I have been obsessing (more than normal) over my future for the last couple weeks. Now that I have less than a year of this program left, and I'm reading blogs like this one about PhD news, I am approaching panic. Every time someone asks me if I'm planning to apply to PhD programs next year, my voice get's this nasaly-whine to it as I say, "I don't know...maybe." I won't go through my pro-con list since it's the same as it always was, and I've posted about it at least three times before. What's frustrating is that after this much time thinking about it, you'd think I would have a little bit more of an idea of what I wanted.

Well, at any rate, I still have several months to decide, so I guess I'm just going to continue panicking.

an epiphany

I figured something out today. My students don't get along. That's why they don't talk. I guess this is better than people yelling, calling names, and jumping over desks to fight.

Random Thoughts Before Bed 2

The papers are graded. The paper on "1937," not any further along than yesterday.

I've decided my sore throat is not the inevitable spring cold. It's from smoking when I'm pretending to be a non-smoker. Back on the healthy-lung band wagon tomorrow.

I need a hobby. One that gets me out of my apartment and shuts my brain off. I was thinking about roller derby until I realized that I could break my fingers, and then how would I type my poems? I haven't been riding in over a month. I should get out to the farm.

I'm hungry, but it's much too late for dinner, and I try to avoid the midnight snacks.

Life seems a little less full when there are no new episodes of Grey's. I can't wait til Thursday.

I. am. tired.

Random Thoughts Before Bed

I have a sore throat. Hopefully it is from the incessant practicing of my poems from the last couple of days and not the inevitable spring cold. Although, it was about this time last year that I got so sick I lost 10 pounds, and that would be welcome (the loss of ten pounds, that is).

I haven't caught up from AWP yet. Promised my students I'd return their papers on Monday but only have one graded so far. Also haven't written much of my paper about "I Go Back to May 1937" (Olds) that is due Tuesday. Tomorrow is going to be a fun day.

Today, I did five loads of laundry at Mom and Dad's. That's a $15 savings.

Anybody watch American Idol? Did you notice how bad it sucks this year? And how not like Chris Daughtry that Phil guy is? Just because you're bald doesn't mean you're hot and sexy too. Weirdo.

It was warm today. I'm afraid it's just a big tease, though. I think it will get colder before it gets warmer. Blah.

Daylights savings time...what's up with that? How come the government even gets to screw around with our clocks? The good thing is, even though most people are losing an hour of sleep, I'll be gaining one (sort of) because I don't set my alarm clock and just wake up when my bedroom gets light.

Off to bed now. I'm such a loser...in bed before ten on Friday and Saturday nights.

After the Reading

Yesterday's symposium went quite well (why do I hear myself saying this in a British accent?). Lots of good papers on poetry and lit, but of course the high light was the creative section at the end. My friend Jay rolled out the persona he's been working on for the last year or so, and this was the first time anyone got to hear a chunk of it all at once. Man, when he finds an editor who gets it, he is going to sell a lot of books. the stuff is freaking amazing.

Also amazing was, well, me. Yes, my ego is a little overly inflated right now, but seriously, it felt really good, re-e-e-a-lllll-y good, to read those poems. They have been revised, and revised, and revised. I've tweaked line breaks, I've cut stuff out and put it back in, and as I read them out loud all together, I realized there wasn't a thing I wanted to change about them. They are done. (Except one that I think is going to be my first prose poem, but I'm not even sure about that.) And holy crap, what a rush it is to have a room full of people paying attention to me for fifteen minutes! I'm a little shy sometimes, but put a podium in front of me and I want to be a rock star. (Not sure why that isn't the case with my teaching though)

Oh, Rick and Lea were wonderful too, but their writing fills up all the space between margins, which just doesn't get me as excited. Sorry.

My apartment smells like brussel sprouts

I put in another long day in the TA office yesterday, but I don't feel like I got much done. I am starting to feel like I need to forsake some sleep in order to really catch up...but oh, sleep is so important. I got an extension on a paper that was due today, but now I'm wondering if there's really any more time to get it done over the weekend than there was yesterday. Maybe I should have just stuck to the deadline.

I've been avoiding my apartment as much as possible because it's messy and I don't have time to clean it, but last night I had brussel sprouts with dinner and now it also smells funny, so I don't think I can put off the cleaning much longer. I can never get married or have children, because my husband will divorce me and my children will get taken away because I will say to them "sorry honey, I can't change your diaper right now, I'm writing." I'm good at being a hermit, not so good at being part of society.

Tomorrow, I'm doing a reading for the U of Akron English Department's Graduate Student Symposium. It's a little mini-conference that the faculty coordinates so that we get some practice presenting our papers/reading our work in front of an audience, and frankly, it's the scariest audience I've ever been in front of (I did it last year, too). Why is it scary, you ask? Because every prof who has ever put a grade on anything I've written is sitting there listening. (I got my BA at Akron, too) Plus, all the other grad students will be there, and even though they are my friends, grad students are a competitive, critical bunch. And here's the sugar on top: my students will also be in the audience (well, the ones that can be lured with extra credit and free food). I didn't think it would be right, since I'm always talking about being a poet, to not let my kids get a chance to hear my stuff. Anyhow, I'm nervous. Partially because of this audience, and partially because most of this audience knows that what I write is primarily autobiographical and suddenly that is making me feel very vulnerable. On the up side, I have a very cute skirt to wear. And let's just admit it. As nervous as I am, I love to be the center of attention.

teaching question

Anyone have any strategies for getting a group of seemingly apathetic students to open up and talk in class? (that doesn't involve me sitting at the front of the room silently until they start talking)

and then they went home

Quote of the week: "You do realize you're dancing to a song that says, 'Bitch, get out the way,' don't you?" --Simone Muench

So, that was AWP. Interesting.

I got to meet some wonderful people and pick up some pretty cool-looking journals/chapbooks in the bookfair, but I didn't make it to nearly enough readings or panels. I was just so overwhelmed with information, sensory stimulation, etc., that I spent most of the week disoriented or trying to let my brain catch up. Also, I've learned that while there is strength in numbers, traveling in a large group is probably not a great idea. Five girls in one hotel room = at least 3 hours of prepping each morning. Those five girls trying to coordinate things with four guys staying on the other side of town = just plain stupid. Remind me about this next year.

On the upside, some highlights:

1. Meeting Simone, Kristy O, Jackie from RHINO, Kristy B, Brandi, and Jeannine (plus Leilani Hall and being in the same room as Kim Addonizio) and getting most of them to sign their books for me. Oh, how I love signed books.
2. The Frock You! reading (which, by the way, just happens to feature all the women I was so happy to meet) and staying at Djangos after it turned from quiet poetry space into packed-like-sardines hip-hop club.
3. Sitting outside (on the second day of March) and having to roll up my jeans because it was too warm, then going inside and realizing that my nose was just a little bit sun burned.
4. Reading Brandi's chapbook and losing my breath on poem after poem. I read it cover to cover in less than a half hour (while sitting outside on the 2nd day of March)

Alas, I am back in cold, snowy Ohio and my pockets are empty (holy crap! it should be illegal to charge that much for a drink!) and I have been neglecting my studies and students for the last two weeks, so I have to go. There is a bag full of books and journals taunting me, but I have to wait to read them.

Hope everyone got home safely.