In the Light of Morning

Okay, so yesterday I was in a black hole, or I was the black hole, but today I'm feeling much better. Last night was exactly what I needed--a nap, home cooked dinner (mashed potatoes!), and some quiet time. Jen, I'm sorry I didn't make it over, but being alone for a while was essential to my fragile psyche.

Jeannine mentioned in my comments that it's good to hear a comp teacher talking about not liking her job (I'm paraphrasing here), so let me say a couple things on that. On the good days, when I can see the light of understanding turn on in my students' faces, I love it. That's why I think teaching a subject I love will be okay--or why I hope so--but let's face it: comp is not my forte. Sure, I am a nearly professional academic writer, and I've always enjoyed (in a sick sort of way) the process of writing term papers. Unfortunately, being able to do something doesn't always translate into being able to teach it. I haven't figured out yet how to explain my thought process in a way that's helpful, and I find formulas stifiling, so I often struggle with how to get what I want from my students--even how to get my students to understand what I want from them. Also, I was trained in a writing center, and I prefer (and think I'm better at) working one-on-one with students. In a tutor-tutee (heehee) situation, I can cater what I say to that student's needs, to that student's subject, etc. You can't do that with 25 at once.

I also struggle with a class that has no actual subject matter. My boss is a critical pedagogist (I've talked about this before, but don't feel like finding the entry to make a link) which basically means that the comp classroom is a place to talk about injustice and empowerment (this is admittedly a vast oversimplification) and those are two things I really would prefer not to talk about. I try to direct the discussion and the reading to things that are less volatile--relationships, college as life experience, identity, learning, etc.--rather than the popular topics of politics and controversy, patriarchy and racism, etc., etc. I'm not allowed to have my students write literary analysis, so there's really no point in having them read what I would enjoy reading and discussing...so I try to make it work with the essays we have in the text book. But I'm not engaged, and they can tell.

The last--and probably biggest--issue with teaching comp is that the students don't care. Comp (to the best of my knowledge) is the only class everyone takes, regardless of major. Sure, there are history requirements, and math, science, etc., but I think most of those requirements have a couple of different options. But everyone takes comp, and 95% of them hate it. They think it's stupid, a waste of time, remedial, etc., and it is really, really hard to convince them otherwise. In my largest class-25-I typically have anywhere from 9 to 15 people present on any given day. That wouldn't be so bad if it was the same group every day, but the class is often completely different on Tuesday than it was on Monday. So, I repeat myself constantly. I make a plan that requires some sort of homework but the people who got the assignment don't show up and the ones that do are unprepared. I've given up on making them prepare for class ahead of time--I just let them read or free-write or whatever in class because otherwise I just get frustrated that no one has done what I asked.

And then they sit and stare. Or text. Or whisper to each other. Or sleep. All things I did as a student, so I can't be too mad, but jeez, it's hard to ignore. Allow me to take this time to apologize to all the profs I've disrespected in my life--I understand now! At any rate, even if I'm having a good day, if I'm convinced that my class plan is brilliant, when I come into class to find three of them sleeping, 8 of them with cell phones in their hands, and two of them whispering in the corner, I want to run from the room crying.

There is a silver lining, though. I have one class this semester that totally energizes me. It's a small class, 14 students, and the attendence is pretty good. They talk to me, they ask me questions, they do their homework. If every class was like this one, I would love my job. But very few classes are like this one and most days, it's not good enough to erase the stress of trying to entertain and teach at the same time.

One of the things I'm most looking forward to if / when I go to UIC is that I won't be teaching in the fall; instead, I'll be taking a course called Teaching College Writing that will allow (force) me to make a new syllabus and 15 weeks worth of plans for both comp 1 and comp 2. I wish I would have had this class already. I mean, we had Practicum at Akron, but it ran in tandem with my first semester of teaching, and another thing my boss is fond of is planning a class one day at a time--allowing what happens in the classroom to dictate what I bring to the table. For someone like me who has trouble with uncertainty and likes to plan everything (even what time I'll take a shower and what I'll eat for lunch), trying to run a class day by day is agonizing. Yet I've never had the time/discipline to plan ahead. So, English 555 at UIC, here I come. Maybe after that I'll feel better.

I think most of us who want to be teachers are very idealistic. We want to share our love of something with others, we want to make people understand why what we do is valuable. But no one tells us how hard it will be to do that. I've had a couple of students say things like, "Wow, your job is so easy," and I just want to strangle them. Are you serious? I think about teaching about 22 hours a day. I dream about it. I start teaching at 9:55 in the morning and I'm usually still grading or reading or planning something when I go to bed at 11. I spend my weekends catching up. And I'm never caught up. Part-time instructor my ass. Granted, I take breaks on those 13 hour days to make dinner, talk to my friends, get coffee, etc., but still, I'm usually talking about work. Every other job I've had got put away after 5, or at the end of a shift, but not this one. Nope, I'm a teacher 24 hours a day. And that's hard, because what I really want to be is a poet.

Don't worry--I'm still writing. Just not with the veracity I was before. I've written about 6-8 new poems this semester, and that's not bad (about 2 per month), but it's not great either. And for the first time in 3 years, I'm not reading 2-3 books a week. I'm lucky if I read 2-3 a month. I miss it so much, miss being a student, being able to say "I'm a TA, everyone understands that teaching isn't my first priority." That's why I'm looking forward to starting a new program. Someone, please force me to read and write every day!