Brain Eraser

As you all know, I'm a reluctant fan of romance novels. Well, my sister Carla decided it was time to introduce me to Laurel K. Hamilton, expert in all things slutty and supernatural. Apparently, this woman spits out 500 page novels faster than I can write a poem. And they are slu-u-ty. Anita Blake, the main character in a series about vampires and were-things (not just wolves, we're talking werelions, wererats, and even wereswans) has a harem of about six men, all with various supernatural powers, whom she has to sleep with every few hours or she (and certain members of her posse) will die . She's like an orgasm vampire.

So, Carla told me this book was full of smut, but I had no idea! Gee-zus. I'm starting to worry about her.

The real problem is that Hamilton clearly never took a fiction workshop (tongue waaay in cheek here). She has this god-awful habit of using "she made it a question" as a speech tag instead of just "she asked." And she uses the same word like, five times in a sentence instead of using synonyms or even pronouns. On the upside, there are no heaving orbs or other ridiculous euphamisms for breasts, but there are a few unfortunate "manhood" moments. Another thing she should have learned in workshop: cut any unnecessary characters. This book, which is, like I said, almost 500 pages, details just one 24-hour period. But there must be 150 characters. Okay, so it's a series, and the book I read came right in the middle, so maybe if I were a fan, I wouldn't have been so confused, but really? Do we need 18 vampires, three wereleopards, and 4 humans introduced in every new paragraph? Worse yet, for the 10 or so main characters, she starts storylines that she never brings back up, except, and this is probably the worst part, in the last three pages which read like Anita Blake's very own blog. Which wouldn't bother me if Hamilton had set it up that way.

I freely admit that most of my criticism is coming from jealousy. This author has a long list of publications, a huge fan base, and surely a very large house with an awesome office. Makes me wonder why I agonize over every word and line in a poem that will never get me paid (thinking about Wendy Cope now) when I have enough romance novel expertise to crank those puppies out and maybe find a way to pay back my student loans.

But jealousy aside, I am also frustrated with what seems to me to be simple laziness. Or a rush to get another book on the shelves. Why not take some time to tie up loose ends, line edit out some of those awful speech tags and repetition, and create something that has both mass appeal and shows an attention to craft and detail? Is that so much to ask?

I'm a fan of "low" culture, or pop culture, or whatever you want to call it. I love top 40 pop music, cheesy chick flicks, reality TV, talk shows, celebrity gossip, etc., and I don't think it's impossible to appreciate these things at the same time that I love a well crafted poem or novel or memoir. But I think the people who create the stuff with mass appeal have a responsibility to do it carefully. Hamilton is a pretty good writer--I didn't hate the book, and for probably 2/3rds of the time I was reading, I was caught up enough in her story telling skill to ignore or forget the craft issues, but as someone who appreciates good writing, I'm disappointed that Hamilton (and her editors/publishers) didn't take the time to make the book as well written and it is entertaining.

Thus, it is my solemn vow that when I become a best selling romance writer, I will not resort to heaving orbs, throbbing manhood, tacky speech tags, or lazy prose. Amen.