2008 is almost over...

and that means I need to post something sentimental and introspective on my blog.

It's been a weird year: my first post-MFA, my first living outside of NEOhio, not to mention my stint as BBQ princess...and frankly, I'm glad it's done. Not that there weren't any high points. For instance, I'm going on 4-months smoke-free, I've overcome my fear of public transportation, and last but not least, my chapbook was accepted on the second try (I won't hope for that kind of success with my first book, but it would be nice). Unfortunately, for the most part, 2008 was stressful, frustrating, and emotionally exhausting.

Some things I hope I won't have to do again any time soon:

• work as an adjunct
• work in a BBQ pit
• live out of a suitcase for 3 months with an angry Russian teenage girl for a roommate
• move to a new city immediately after living out of a suitcase for 3 months

I'll consider this year something like strength training. I know what I can handle now, and for how long. I learned a lot about myself those first days in Chicago when I couldn't sleep because I was sure someone would try to break into my apartment, and in the weeks that followed when I took a nap every time I got lonely (and yeah, I was lonely a lot). So. It was tough, but I got through it. And I don't hate Chicago after all, although I think I'll always prefer a small town.

But I also learned some things about myself that I don't like, and while I don't want to discuss most of those things, there is one that's relevant here. I realized that when my life is in flux, when I'm stressed out and exhausted, writing (and everything that I connect to it) drops right off my radar. I've written fewer than 20 new poems this year (fewer than 10 that I like), haven't submitted any individual poems since February, and in general dropped all the good habits I'd formed about blogging, emailing, submitting, networking, etc., while I was working on my MFA.

I used to think that being depressed or angsty was good for creativity, but I must have grown out of that phase. I've had a really hard time putting anything I've expereinced in the last year into words, and haven't had much luck distracting myself with less personal ideas, either. Turns out I need to be clear-headed to write well. Huh.

So, if we're talking resolutions, I'd like to make 2009 about reinventing my writer-self. I'd like to return to my old, productive habits of answering emails immediately, submitting poems regularly, meeting deadlines (even soft ones that I set for myself), and writing daily. I'd like to finish my ms, get it in the mail, and start a new project. And I'd like to remember what it feels like to finish a poem and be really, really proud of how it turned out.

Cheers!

Pretty Bitter

Go here. It's funny.

Envy

Well, I finally finished the Twilight Saga. And today, while I was at the mall, Borders, and Target, I saw Twilight books, posters, costume jewelry, and CDs everywhere. I admit it: I'm jealous of Stephenie Meyer.

Why am I jealous of Steaphenie Meyer? Because she's living my fantasy life. The one where I write romance and get rich.

Being a poet is cool. And so is being a grad student. But being Stephenie Meyer would be way better.

Maybe I should put aside this frustrating poetry ms and revisit my old novel ideas. Hmmm...

distractions

My sister is making me read this. I'm half-way through the third book. Alternately bored by the writing and caught up in the teenage romance. But man, what a break after the dense reading I had to do over the last semester.

Oh, and then there's cable TV. I don't have it, but I'm staying with my boyfriend for a couple weeks over break and when I'm not reading about teenage vampires, I'm watching reality TV and reruns. Sigh.

Doppelgangers

Do you ever see a stranger on the bus, or in line at the grocery store, or on the barstool next to yours, and think it's someone you know? Do you ever see lots of these strangers who all look disturbingly like the same person?

Today, I thought I saw Zachary Schomburg at least six times. But he does not live in Chicago, so I must be losing my marbles. Unless he's visiting Chicago today, in which case, I should have said hi.

*

On another note entirely...why can't the CTA trip planner tell me where exactly my transfer bus stop is? I walked around 2 different blocks in a kinda sketchy neighborhood trying to find the right sign, only to eventually find it in the exact opposite direction it looked like on the website. City living--blech.

*

Oh, and the reading was good. Never read anything by James Shea before, and he was impressive. And Jason Bredle is a really nice guy (which is not an insult to his poetry (you know, like when you set your friend up on a blind date and say the guy is "nice" because he isn't cute) because I already knew I was a fan, so it goes without saying). I should probably delete that whole parenthetical, but I'm not going to. Someone will understand.

*

I'm on page 19. Pages 10-19 are extremely rough. Tomorrow is going to be a long day.

sigh

I woke up with boxing gloves on this morning, ready to fight.

I want to be done with my Ashbery paper, but I've still got 3 pages and alot of revising to do before I can call it quits for the semester. Maybe I can finish it today, but I'm not holding my breath.

It's been well over three months since I smoked my last cigarette, but today, I keep looking around for my camels. Some ex-smokers say they never stop having cravings...today, I understand.

Maybe the problem is that I haven't had any coffee and I've been up for over two hours. Okay. Coffee in hand. Should be better shortly.

On the up-side, there will be poetry and revelry tonight. Hopefully I will be celebrating the end of the semester and not just taking a study break.

10 Fastest Dying Towns

It's not looking good for the Rust Belt. See here.

burst

I had a little spurt of productivity this morning, knocked out 3 more pages of my Ashbery re-write, and now my motivation is gone. I'm around 13.5 pages and need at least twenty. It's due Friday, but I was really hoping to be done before that.

Did I really say writing papers was one of my favorite parts of academia? Yes, I'm over-caffeinated and wearing grungy sweats, but that's about the only part that rings true right now. When's the adrenaline rush going to kick in?

I feel a long post about being a writer/poet coming on...a retrospective post about the last six-seven months and how life has gotten in the way of what I love to do...I'm sure it will be inspiring and motivating. Or whiny and self-deprecating. Either way, it will have to wait until I'm done arm-wrestling with John Ashbery.

The Tipping Point

I love coming across articles like this--especially now that I've transitioned from small-town gal to urban dweller. We didn't have door men or cab drivers in my home town. Okay, so, we had cab drivers, but I never needed a cab. And I've actually dodged concierges in fancy hotels because I didn't know how much to give them (I did that on my first ever trip to Chicago, now that I think about it). Plus, I think it is so, so important for people to know that service professionals often get paid less than minimum wage because they're expected to make a certain amount in tips. I remember my parents being shocked when I told them (almost 10 years ago) that I made $2.13 an hour at my serving job. I'm pleased to say they quickly became better tippers...

Which reminds me. I have a line in a poem about a waitress counting her 10% tips, which my workshop thought was a little unrealistic. It was pretty normal where I worked when I was a waitress, but maybe things have gotten better? Any servers reading my blog who want to weigh in? I doubt people who tip low would admit it, so I won't even ask about that...

The biggest news in my poetry career so far...

Okay, so, I'm a little overly excited. It's just a chapbook. ;-) (Just in case anyone missed the subtle cues, it's defininitely not "just" anything. I'm really proud.)

Check it out: dancing girl press 2009 chapbook line-up. Keep scrolling. I'm in September.

Woohoo!

A little Thursday morning fun