2008 is almost over...

and that means I need to post something sentimental and introspective on my blog.

It's been a weird year: my first post-MFA, my first living outside of NEOhio, not to mention my stint as BBQ princess...and frankly, I'm glad it's done. Not that there weren't any high points. For instance, I'm going on 4-months smoke-free, I've overcome my fear of public transportation, and last but not least, my chapbook was accepted on the second try (I won't hope for that kind of success with my first book, but it would be nice). Unfortunately, for the most part, 2008 was stressful, frustrating, and emotionally exhausting.

Some things I hope I won't have to do again any time soon:

• work as an adjunct
• work in a BBQ pit
• live out of a suitcase for 3 months with an angry Russian teenage girl for a roommate
• move to a new city immediately after living out of a suitcase for 3 months

I'll consider this year something like strength training. I know what I can handle now, and for how long. I learned a lot about myself those first days in Chicago when I couldn't sleep because I was sure someone would try to break into my apartment, and in the weeks that followed when I took a nap every time I got lonely (and yeah, I was lonely a lot). So. It was tough, but I got through it. And I don't hate Chicago after all, although I think I'll always prefer a small town.

But I also learned some things about myself that I don't like, and while I don't want to discuss most of those things, there is one that's relevant here. I realized that when my life is in flux, when I'm stressed out and exhausted, writing (and everything that I connect to it) drops right off my radar. I've written fewer than 20 new poems this year (fewer than 10 that I like), haven't submitted any individual poems since February, and in general dropped all the good habits I'd formed about blogging, emailing, submitting, networking, etc., while I was working on my MFA.

I used to think that being depressed or angsty was good for creativity, but I must have grown out of that phase. I've had a really hard time putting anything I've expereinced in the last year into words, and haven't had much luck distracting myself with less personal ideas, either. Turns out I need to be clear-headed to write well. Huh.

So, if we're talking resolutions, I'd like to make 2009 about reinventing my writer-self. I'd like to return to my old, productive habits of answering emails immediately, submitting poems regularly, meeting deadlines (even soft ones that I set for myself), and writing daily. I'd like to finish my ms, get it in the mail, and start a new project. And I'd like to remember what it feels like to finish a poem and be really, really proud of how it turned out.

Cheers!