better

another false alarm.

*

I was dropping off some handouts for copies in the English office and AA came by and asked me for help on his syllabus. For a class I took from him my senior year. He wanted to know when papers should be due, and how long between the abstract and the final paper. I said it didn't matter when I got a paper assignment, I was going to start it two weeks before it was due.

He didn't like that answer very much. So I said something about how well I work under pressure. He rolled his eyes. I said, "I don't remember ever getting anything below an A from you." His response? "I seem to remember an A-"

The truth? I think there was a B+ once.

ick

If you're looking for something upbeat, keep moving.

Today is the second day of bomb threats at the U of Akron. Yesterday they determined it was a false alarm, but today, more of the same. I'm trying not to freak out, but after the incident at V-tech last year, I'm a little nervous.

I haven't been feeling great this week. I think it's the usual: not taking good enough care of myself, but I'm having a real hard time getting motivated today. Is it wrong that I just want to go back to bed? Part of the problem is the lack of routine. I got back into the habit of staying up late over the last couple weeks of the summer, and I'm still staying up pretty late, but feeling guilty if I sleep past nine. I don't have to be at school until 1, so I should really give myself a break. It's not like it matters whether I get stuff done in the morning or at 2 a.m.

I ordered some pictures from snapfish. They came ups yesterday while I was at school. The delivery person is probably going to come at the same time today and I won't be here, again. I don't know why I have to sign for it. They're just pictures.

Blah.

(sorry.)

25

This is my new record for posts in one month. It's a little sad.

I had a very busy day today, starting with the eye appointment that started 15 minutes late (you know, I don't understand why doctors expect us to be punctual but they never are), then a nice stroll around West Akron with Rubi. After that, grocery shopping, making a huge pot of chili to freeze for those blustery September days ahead, a nap, and homework. Lots and lots of homework.

Right now, things are at a steady but fast pace. I imagine in a couple of weeks they will be rolling much faster and much rougher. I scheduled the GRE general test (end of October) and subject test (beginning of November) so I will be spending all of my free time studying (I cannot believe it costs $270 to take both tests! WTF?) so that I never have to take them again. The first time around, I studied for a weekend, and my scores showed it. Not wasting my money this time around.

Despite the storm clouds looming above me, I'm feeling pretty optimistic about this last leg of my masters experience. My thesis is shaping up, even though I've been neglecting it for the past few weeks, my classes are going to be fun and informative (crossing my fingers), and my students seem like a good natured bunch. There's so much to do, but most of it (minus gre preparations) is interesting and engaging. Besides, how could I complain when half of it is self inflicted? I have to admit though, I'm getting tired of good-natured, well meant comments about how getting the PhD is either pointless, too hard, or prolonged social suicide. My mind is made up, so leave me alone.

I promised myself that on Tuesdays (my only weekday off) I would pay bills and do laundry, and I haven't done either yet, so I best be shutting up now.

Spaz

My students must think I'm nuts. I was a clumsy, fast talking spaz in class today. Don't worry, I'll make up for it on Wednesday.
*
Remember how I said I was okay with being single but sometimes I get bitter? There are way too many cute guys running around.
*
I decided for my new-school-year resolution that I'm going to start working out. But I couldn't make myself go to the gym, so I walked around the gorge metropark today. It was muggy.
*
My mom and dad are going on a road trip in September. They're planning to be gone all month. I'm going to miss them alotly, but I'm kind of glad because I'm going to be sooo busy that I wouldn't have time to drive out there anyway.
*

Kelly wants to know what's on my desk:

Laptop: always on, always online. Excel generated schedule with color coded time blocks. Calendar. Scissors. Generic MP3 player. Bowl o' binder clips. Pictures of Dad, Mom, great nephew Philip. Various office supplies. Important papers, including class plans, list of PhDs to research, and lit mags to submit to. On the wall to the left, a little sign that says "Future Award Winning Author At Work." I did not buy this for myself; it was a graduation gift from Carla.

*
That's all. Homework time.

The First Day of School

That's me getting on the bus for my first day of kindergarten. That was a long, long time ago (says the 26-year-old). It feels like a long long time ago to me, okay. The bus driver is Marge. She was my older sisters' bus driver in the late seventies and my bus driver for all of my days at Cloverleaf local schools. I wonder if she's still driving now. Carla and I were the only kids allowed to call her Marge--the others had to call her Mrs. K. That made me feel very special.

I'm getting a little nervous for school to start tomorrow. I'm always anxious about meeting my new students. I think in a comp class the first day sets the tone for the semester (maybe in all classes, but since I only teach comp...) and I'm hoping all goes smoothly.

Today I'll be finalizing my class plans, going to the grocery store, organizing my school supplies, and tearing my room apart hoping that I somehow overlooked the loan check. I'm hoping to feel really stupid when I find it sitting on top of the TV or something ridiculous like that.

Oh, and fall submissions. I need to get to work on those.

The Upside of Being a Slob is...

if you never take out the trash, you're pretty unlikely to accidentally throw away something of value...say, a student loan check.

Nephew/Roommate went on a cleaning bender the same day our checks came. Now I can't find mine. Coincidence?

Hopefully the financial aid office is forgiving. Hopefully the check is lost and not stolen.

Cross your fingers for me.

blogging machine

Ok, I know I post too much. But check out my horoscope:

Whether you're thinking about work, school or your artistic dreams, you can tell that your vision is clearer and more realistic than it has been in quite some time. Follow up on it as vigorously as you can!

lost boys

Today was the annual U of A English Dept GA/faculty picnic. We were at a park in west Akron talking about our classes and how fast the summer went and eating yummy food when I noticed two little boys on the other side of the pavilion. They were both crying--no, sobbing--and one of them was wailing, "I want my mommy."

Now, it's my natural tendency to turn away from things like this and let someone else deal with it--preferably someone with some parenting skills (because I'm afraid of getting into something that I don't know how to deal with, not because I don't care). But no one else seemed to notice these boys, so I walked over and asked them what was wrong. One of the boys explained that his mom had left them at the park and they wanted to go home. I don't know if the mom was gone five minutes or an hour, but judging by their faces and their level of panic, it had been a little while.

Thank God for cell phones and bottled water. It was about 92 degrees and humid as all get out. The boys were soaked in tears and sweat and snot and obviously terrified. But they used my phone and mom said she was on her way back to the park. Meanwhile, a man comes over and says that he's a fire fighter and if these boys are unattended then we should really be calling the police, not the neglectful mother. He says if she's not here in ten minutes, he's calling a squad car.

Next thing I know, the boys are climbing into a car and riding away. And I can only hope/assume that they were getting into the right car. I wish I had stayed with them a little longer to make sure. And to kick the crap out of the person who left them there. Doesn't she watch Law & Order? or the news? I could pull my hair out thinking about how someone could leave a couple of six year olds at a park.

I can't stop thinking about these boys. About how scared they must have been. Wondering what happened after they got in the car. But also (and I know this is the writer in me) how nice it must be to be able to express your emotions so openly that a stranger can see that you need help. How these little boys, obviously best friends, felt no shame in crying together. Made me wonder, at what age does crying become inappropriate? And at what age do we start being afraid to ask for help or show vulnerability? Wouldn't all our lives be easier if we were able to vent fear and frustration as easily as children?

This makes me very, very sad.

What about us single girs?

I've been thinking. Thinking about what I might want to focus on in my phd work (see that, how I go from wishy-washy to determined in just a matter of days? How fickle am I?), and I keep thinking about how single girls (women, sorry) don't get much attention in the world of poetry/academia/generally creative pursuits...or at least, we don't get as much attention as our ring-wearing, baby-making counterparts. (And it seems, at least when we're talking feminism, not as much as our lesbian counterparts, either.)

Before I go further, let me make it clear that I'm not saying wives and mothers don't deserve the attention they get. Obviously, since I don't have a child, I can't begin to talk about the difficulties of balancing the writer's life with the mother's life. On the other hand, since I'm not a mother and don't ever plan to be, I'm just not that interested. I know it sounds callous, but that's how it is.

This is where the single girl thing comes in. When I think of the women's rights movement and feminism as a way of life rather than a literary theory, I don't think of the woman who chooses to do/have "it all" with a career and a family, but of the woman who says "f*** men, I can do this on my own." The woman who figures out a way to carry a box spring up the stairs by herself (even if it takes an hour) because she's not going to wait for her brother/boyfriend/dad to find the time to come over and help her. The woman who buys her first house on her own and has to deal with the good-old-boy appraiser treating her like she doesn't know a stud from a support beam. The woman (me) who gets ripped off at the car dealership because she doesn't know what questions to ask, but she'd rather learn from experience than bring a man with her to ask those questions.

But wait. I know what you're thinking, "Christ, another man-hating feminist." Nope. I love men. Love 'em. Would love to marry one some day. Prefer when they help with the box spring or change my tires or wash my car for me. I like being treated like a lady and pampered just as much as the next woman. However...it's become the reality in my life that more often than not, I'm on my own. Sure, sometimes I get a little bitter about it, but for the most part, I'm happy. People always get on my case when I start talking like this: "don't say that, Sara, you know you want a family, you're just trying to make yourself feel better." But really, that's not it. When I look back on the last 8 years, the best times I've had have been as a single girl on my own. With my friends and my family. Boyfriends just clutter things up.

I'm getting off track. My own personal experience aside, I think there are a unique set of challenges and struggles that single women face that impact their success as writers, artists, and professionals as well as their happiness and contentment in their personal lives, and I think these challenges and struggles would be interesting to research and write about. Right off the bat, I'm thinking of Simone Muench's poem "Fix-It Man" and Brandi Homan's "Open Letter to a Crush," two poems that deal with the single girl on the prowl. But there are so many other things that offer unique challenges to the single woman: house-hunting, moving (worse, moving after a break up), car trouble, dealing with the "when are you going to find a nice man and settle down" questions from well meaning (but frustrating) friends/family, going to the work function/dinner party and being the only person without a significant other, deciding your own rules/boundaries and coming to terms with words like spinster and slut. Just to name a few.

I don't know how much work (if any) has been done on the subject, but this seems like a point of entry for me as a scholar. Perhaps a single woman anthology is in my future?

What do you think, readers? Any single woman poets or criticism I should know about?

Farm

Part of me really wants to live on a farm someday. Part of me knows I hate manual labor.

*

I was pleasantly surprised last night that I remembered how to ride a horse, and how to use a hoof pick, and that it's not nearly so difficult to put a saddle and bridle on a horse when the leather is clean and it's not 25 degrees outside.

Banjo, being the crotchety old man that he is, did try to kill me a few times. I'd get one foot in the stirrup and he'd walk away from the mounting block. I think, if it had been recorded, that we could win $10,000 on America's funniest home videos. What's that saying? The definition of insanity is repeating the same action and expecting a different result? I'd position the mounting block below the stirrup, climb up, get my left foot in, and Banjo would start walking. I'd extricate my foot, jump off the block, move it over, and start again. If horses could laugh, Banjo would have.

*

My syllabus is finished and photocopied, so I'm technically ready for school to start. But really, I could use about another six weeks of vacation.

Did someone say

shoe shopping?

I'm loving the little-girl-lost feel of these grown up Mary Janes, especially the scotch-tape lookin' ones. And the brown ones, I think, are the most comfortable high heels I've ever worn. Ladies, get thee to Shoe Carnival! Unlike some things, shoes always fit!

*

In other news, my car doesn't rattle or whine any more. Apparently, the trip to Lynchburg wasn't good for my wheel bearings.

*

Thesis meeting with Mary tomorrow. Hopefully the rain will stop long enough for me to pick up my parking pass and take my laptop to the help desk afterwards.

Tomorrow night, I'm off to the farm to play with Banjo and friends. It has been a long long time, and we are all out of practice. I'm sure there will be more fun with hoof picks than ever.

*

Does anyone watch this show? First of all, WTF is up with that furry hat? Second, since when was it a good idea to take people with low self-confidence and then tell them to stop dressing like themselves and start acting like smarmy playa's? Personally, (and maybe this is the kinda-shy-nerdy-girl talking) I think it would be better to enhance what these poor saps actually have going for them: intelligence, sincerity, and (in some cases) a bit of dorky-aw-shucks good looks.

That doesn't mean I don't DVR it though. I am a sucker for baaad reality TV.

It's all my fault

Ever since I found out who sings "Sunshine (go away today)" from that jeep commercial, I've been playing it over and over again. Now it won't stop raining. I'm sorry.

But the thing is, I loooove rain. Especially rain like this. Except that I was planning to take care of a bunch of stuff on campus today (picking up my parking pass, going to financial aid, etc.) and now that's not going to happen. Because as much as I love rain, I don't love it when my pants are wet up to my knees.

Today might be a really good day to get some reading done, though. I'm about half-way through Edward Hirsch's The Demon and the Angel, which is all about duende. So far, it isn't making me want to write, but it is making me wish I knew how to flamenco.

Recluse

1. one who lives a secluded, solitary life

2. me

I've been cranky and anti-social all weekend...probably because I'm freaking out about going back to school, but who knows. At least my room is clean and with all the old poem drafts I went through last night, I'll never, ever run out of scrap paper. But I have to snap out of this soon, since next week is going to be super busy and then *poof* I'm chest-deep in my final semester of my MFA. Yikes.

I'm probably the only person who can go to school full time and still need 3 and a half years to finish a masters degree, but for some reason, I feel like it's coming too soon. I seem to have the opposite of senioritis. I just don't want it to end. (Hence the frantic search for PhD programs.)

I talked to one of my old bosses the other day and she essentially offered me a job when I graduate. (She's the one who told me it was okay to quit my day job so I could be a full time student. She's also the one who said it's easier to get back into corporate after a few years away than it is to get back into academia. Easier than I imagned, now!) At any rate, this is exactly the kind of thing I'm afraid of. Even though I don't like the lifestyle of a 9-5er, I did enjoy the work I did--it was very analytical and a little creative and allowed me to do my second favorite thing after writing: making spreadsheets. I know, I'm weird. But all that color coding and sorting and making tabs...it's fun!

Here's the thing. I have a tendency to make choices based on practicality rather than passion, and taking that job offer is way more practical. But I'm sure that I would hate myself in a couple years because I know that corporate life takes too much energy for me to continue writing with any kind of vigor. So, I told her that I would be interested in independent contracting work between programs, but nothing full time or permanent. That way, if for some reason no PhD program wants me, I won't be stuck waiting tables later on. But I'm crossing my fingers that I don't have to go there.

In other news, I'm dying to cut my hair. Most of my life I've been a short hair kinda girl, see:

This picture was taken at a wedding just before I started grad school. So, that means I've been growing it out for about 3 years. And talking myself out of cutting it again for about 2 and a half. I told myself I would let it get long enough to donate to locks of love, but I'm still 2 or 3 inches away and am soo ready to chop this stuff off.

All right, I know no one cares about my hair. Sorry.

Time to go work on that syllabus.

The files still aren't done. Why? Dinner party last night with some Bisbee-ers (dinner party? When did I get old enough to go to one of those?) in Cleveland Heights. (If you're reading this, thanks Jessica & Michael!)

Then, today, I went to Westfield to help my best friend since fifth grade paint her father's house. Her parents are in the middle of a divorce, so he bought a duplex and has been busy fixing it up before his new tenant moves in on the 1st. The painting and hanging out with L. was fun, but it made me very sad. I've known this family for what seems like forever, and growing up, L. was my only friend with married parents. I thought we were the lucky ones, the odd-balls who had an actual traditional nuclear family. I didn't think people got divorced after 30 some years of marriage (at least not the people I know). My bubble has been burst. Thank God my mother is Catholic and doesn't believe in divorce!! I'll never have to be in L's shoes. (Not that my parents are unhappy with each other, I'm not implying that!)

After painting, I came home and took a long nap. At one point, I thought my nephew was trying to wake me up, but it turns out he wasn't home. I've been having very vivid dreams lately; all five senses aware (definitely, definitely in color), feeling somewhat in control of what's happening (or at least what I'm doing), then waking up out of breath and remembering, which is odd since most days if you ask me what I dream about, I'd say nothing. I don't know what's going on, but I'm not complaining. Dreams are cool.

Jimmy riggin'

Instead of working on my thesis, researching phd programs, or writing my class plans, I have spent most of this week reorganizing my life. Cleaning. Doing laundry. Color-coding my closet. Next up? Going through all my paper files including old cell phone bills, intrest rate notices about my student lones, and poem drafts. Hopefully I will realize that I don't need half of this crap and when I'm done, my room won't be so cluttered.

There is a closet in my room that is right over the stairwell, so the floor is slanted. Up to this point, I've just been throwing crap in it and having it all fall on me every time I open the door. I was waiting for my oh-so-handy nephew/roommate to build me some shelves, but lets face it, the kid is as busy, if not busier, than me, so I just went ahead and jimmy-rigged it myself. Here's what it looks like now:

I'm still wasting quite a bit of space, but hopefully this whole makeshift shelving system I created won't come crashing down on me anytime soon.

See what happens when procrastination gets creative? Fun!

The answer to all your questions....

I seem to have confused Jessica and Amy with my last PhD post. Here's the deal. I think that I want a PhD with a creative dissertation, but someone (CP) has made some compelling arguments that it isn't a good idea. I'm not fully convinced yet, but I'm looking at all the options. I think I'm probably going to apply to some writing programs and some lit programs and see where the universe takes me. The thing is, I want to take the lit classes and the comps (haha! I say that now...), I just don't really wanna write a critical dissertation. And I don't really want to take more workshops, but I do want to produce another manuscript.

So, WTF do I do now?

Thank you, Jeep!

I've always loved this song, but never knew who sang it. Now, because of Jeep, I know it's Jonathan Edwards. I'm gonna go download it.

back in the saddle

After a whirlwind summer, I now realize I have less than 2 weeks until the first day of class. That means it's syllabus time. Actually, my syllabus has been done, what I really need is lesson plan time. Last year, I pretty much planned a day ahead. Didn't know enough to do otherwise. This year, I would like to not spend every evening scrambling for something to do the next day. I would like to have at least the first 3 weeks of class planned ahead of time. but first I need to check out my textbook and online handbook. I should get on that.

Last night, I spent some time looking for free GRE study guides online, but didn't find anything that made me happy. Anyone have any suggestions? (BTW, it really sucks that I have to take this stupid test again. I suppose "have to" isn't right...but my scores weren't very impressive the first time around.)

I also found this list of PhD programs in English from MLA. I went through the first 30 programs and already eliminated 13. I'm not sure what common wisdom says about PhD applications, but I think I'm going to try to narrow it down to five or six. I'm not made of money, you know, and I have to split my expendable income between phd app fees and first book contests. Or chapbook contests if I'm being realistic. Even though my thesis is in the final stages, I don't think I'll be ready for the contests in 07.

Sooo much to do! But before I get academic, i need to clean my messy, messy apartment!

Who's gonna drive you home?

Well, I'm back from the commonwealth. Of Virginia, that is. This is me following the Walmart trucker into Ohio:

In my mind, I was taking a picture of the "Welcome to Ohio" sign, but I was too far away. This leads nicely into my next section...

What I learned on my trip:

• Trying to take photographs while driving at speeds that may or may not be above the posted limit is a practice in stupidity and recklessness.
• UVA is in Charlottesville, not Richmond (I'm not sure why I thought it was in Richmond, but that doesn't really matter, now, does it?)
• It is not only hotter in Virginia than in Arizona, but the bugs are scarier too.
• I'm sure I learned something else, but right now, I don't know what.

What I brought home:

• Driver's tan. I tried to take a picture, but it is impossible to photograph both of your own arms without smooshing your boobs together and that picture doesn't belong here.
• Fun binder clips and a mini stapler

What was waiting for me in the mailbox: (not pictured - Kim Addonizio's what is this thing called love)

What I'll miss the most:

puppy love

big sister

*

Amy wrote about her sister visit this week too. Carla sometimes doesn't remember things that I do, but for her birthday, I gave her The Little Engine that Could and season one of The Muppet Show and she remembered those.

*

Confession: I *heart* listening to Celine Dion while I drive. That's embarrasing, isn't it?

Road Trippin'

Why I love the West Virginia turnpike:

Dear St. Christopher

I'm about to embark on an 8 hour drive--at least half of that being a direct route down I-77. I like when I don't have to look at the map for a state and a half.

This is today's horoscope:

Your good energy is perfect for helping you get your way in the world, even if just yesterday all seemed lost. See if you can find a way to kill two (or more) birds with one stone. Efficiency is golden now.

So, what bird can I kill (that sounds awful) while driving? How can you multitask on a road trip?

Next time you come here, there may be photos of the *other* mountains. The ones that don't seem so large now that I've been out west. But they sure are pretty.

Random Thoughts

Well. I don't really have anything academic or poetic to post about today, but I hate to leave my blog un-updated for so long, so I figured I'd check in. I'm leaving for Virginia tomorrow but having a hard time getting focused on taking care of all the housekeeping crap I should do before I leave. I have lots of laundry and cleaning to do and I'm supposed to be getting my oil changed at some point, but it's 11 and I'm still in my pjs.

My excuse? I've been running non stop since I started working back in May. This week is the first somewhat unscheduled time I've had and all I want to do is watch tv and eat nachos. Not a good idea.

I'm working my way through "The Wasteland" per everyone's suggestion that I should start my reading list there. I've read it through once and now I'm on Eliot's notes. Then I'll go back and start over. I love self-assigned homework. When I finish compiling my list, I'll post it here, see if anyone has any suggestions. Of course, we all know I won't ever catch up, but maybe that list can become something on the "things to do before I die" list. Other things on the list? Visit all 50 states, go to Europe, sky dive, learn to surf, quit smoking... I've never really written this list, of course. It's just in my head. And changes depending on my mood. It's not much of a list, now is it?

I really, really want a puppy. At least I'll get to play with my sister's puppy, Niobi, while I'm in Virginia.

Crap

I don't know half of what I should.

When are they going to find a way to inject information intravenously? Why can't I just download someone's brain into mine?


Addendum:


For those of my readers whose brains I would like to download-

Do you ever feel this way? What have you read to fix it? What haven't I read that you think I should? (I haven't read much, so tell me even if it seems obvious.)


Why the questions? I'm trying to make a reading list for myself of stuff I probably should have read already.

Maybe I should just start here:

For example, here's a list of books on these shelves that I haven't read yet:

• To Kill a Mocking Bird - Harper Lee
• War and Peace - Tolstoy
• My Antonia - Willa Cather
• The Wasteland & Other Poems - Eliot
• Easter 1916 and Other Poems - Yeats

Last Night

Mary and I drove up to Coventry last night for the Keving Prufer, Wayne Miller & John Gallaher reading. So much fun! Great poetry, great conversation. And now, even though I already spent my Amazon money, I have to go back and order more books. I'm not sure why I didn't buy them last night and get them signed.

I also met one of the 3 new MFA faculty last night, Michael Dumanis. He's going to be good for us (the students) and I think really good for the program. Too bad he's coming in during my last semester.

Hanging out with these academics/poets last night made me realize how not ready I am to go on the job market. Must find a way to postpone that!

Cold Virgins

What I learned today: In Denmark, some people study the art of making pretty little open faced sandwiches. I don't know the Danish word for these people, but I do know the literal translation to English is "cold virgin." Somehow, the word for jack hammer also translates to "cold virgin." Go figure.

Last night was the last meeting of CP's workshop. Today was the last meeting of the Bisbee faction. I have a portfolio due Monday and a thesis meeting Tuesday. Otherwise, I'm back on summer vacation.

This weekend I will be:

• finishing said portfolio
• ordering $134 worth of books from Amazon (god bless coinstar)
• writing thank you notes
• integrating my new poems into my thesis
• going to the Medina County Fair with my family
• going with Mary to see John Gallaher, Kevin Prufer, and Wayne Miller read
• paying bills, cleaning, laundry, and other various household chores I've been ignoring for the past 3 weeks

Next week, I'll be driving down to VA to visit my sister. I asked her if we could go to the beach. Maybe I'll talk her into driving to UVA instead so I can imagine myself in the PhD program there. They don't have a creative dissertation, though, so I'm not sure how I feel about it.

Lily

New work up at Lily. Check it out.

Idea Garden

I've been wanting to do Jeannine's 10 books that influence you meme, but for some reason, I'm having a hard time with it. I think something is wrong with me.

Two books that pop in my head are Swimming the Witch and Miracle Fruit. Both books help me eke out ideas about my own life, help me make connections that I wouldn't normally. But I don't think there are any other books that do that for me. So often, even if I love a book, I can't go back to it for ideas, they only come on the first reading.

Most of my poem ideas come from conversations, my old journals, and pictures. That's why I worry that I'll run out of poems. I don't really, though, not lately, because the ideas are coming so fast my primary concern is whether or not I'll have time to put them on paper.

Speaking of having time, I have a lot of work to do today. I shouldn't be blogging.