with mixed feelings

My time on the farm is nearing its end. The travelers begin the long trek home tomorrow morning and by Friday, I'll be back at Mom and Dad's house for the weekend before my midnight megabus ride home on Sunday/Monday.

I'm anxious to get back to my apartment, to finish unpacking & get organized before the semester begins, to see my friends. I'm not anxious to return to the city, the el, the concrete and constant noise.

And while I'm anxious to get back to real life, I'm also wishing I had another week or so here (or that I could rewind a week or so) to be more productive. Television seems to be my Achilles heel when it comes to productivity, and I have lost many, many hours to CSI reruns and other brain-draining nonsense (on the upside, I finally saw Juno, which I loved). I'm fighting the urge to turn on the crack box as we speak.

I didn't do much reading--a Nora Roberts novel, the first few chapters of The House on the Hill, a Cesare Pavese novel (still working on that one), a bit of Ted Hughes' Birthday Letters, and MacNolia by A. Van Jordan (a reread, but well worth it). Also, I don't think I ever made it to 10 pages, but definitely over five, and still working on a long poem which should get me to the goal (two weeks late). I spent a good chunk of time on my Intro to Poetry syllabus, and another good chunk of time catching up with friends...so it wasn't all wasted time. But I do wish I could get back the time I spent watching Wife Swap, at least. Oh, and napping. I did a lot of napping...too bad you can't bottle that--I think I'm going to have a sleep deprived semester ahead of me.

So, was my stay in the country a success? The jury's still out. It'll depend on whether or not I arrive back in Chicago energized and driven...or if I just pout and mope because I'm back in the city. One thing I am sure of--I'd still pick this lifestyle over city living any day of the week. So cross your fingers for me that when I go on the job market in a few years, there's a small town college looking to hire a poet.

And now, back to the to do list--not the TV.

laborious

I may as well be chipping my term papers into stone, it's taking so damn long.

Why is the process of writing something academic so much less rewarding than writing something creative? Even the cover letter I wrote today was more fun than these papers.

There are 11 days left in the first year of my Ph.D. I guess it ain't all bad.

Repeat

I'm doing last Friday all over again, except this time it's worse because:

a) I can't go to this, which is literally two blocks away (and nothing ever happens in my neighborhood!)

and

b) I got some very negative (albeit constructive) feedback on last week's paper, so I'm feeling a little performance anxiety for this week.

So. Two minutes of procrastination and I'm back at it. Wish me luck.

Man, I am awesome at procrastinating. I got home about 3 hours ago, intending to eat some lunch and then get right to work on my paper--the one that is due tonight, or earlyish tomorrow morning if I want to stretch the limits. Guess what I've done instead: ate some lunch, watched an episode of House, answered some emails, read some blogs, updated my facebook status, and now...blogging.

It's a 3-5 page paper. I should be done early enough to watch 20/20 (Okay, so you stoop pretty low when you don't have cable), but...I won't be. Because I torment myself with procrastination every time I sit down to write something. The short papers are the worst--you know you can crank it out quickly if you have to, so there's no sense of urgency until it's down to the wire. Yeah. I have a feeling I'll still be putzing around come 9:00. Come 11, I'll be a little panicky. By 2, I'll be emailing an un-proofread paper to my class for their Saturday morning perusal.

Or maybe I won't.

11:20 Update: I'm panicking. Have lots of notes but no real writing done. Silly me.

Not fair

I'm in grading hell today. Not because I promised to give my students back their papers tomorrow and waited until today to start, but because it is 64 degrees outside and I'm stuck in here.

I haven't posted much about teaching this semester, which I'm just now realizing. It's a whole different animal here at UIC, but now's not the time. I still have 12 more papers to grade and my average time is way too high. (When I was an adjunct, I had it down to 6 min per. Today I'm running around 15 min.)

Looking forward to the weekend even though I will be glued to another stack of papers for most of it. Maybe I'll have time to walk to the lake or something city girls are supposed to do on lovely almost-spring weekends.

Spring Semester Eve

John is on a plane back to Cleveland, I've finished some proofing on Barn Owl Review #2 and there's nothing more I can put between myself and day one of Spring 09.

I don't have butterflies in my stomach...they're buzzards.

I'm not ready to teach tomorrow. I don't have a solid class plan, I don't have copies, and (more importantly) I don't know what I'm going to wear. I can't wear power heels because there's a foot of snow on the ground, and I don't think my ugly-ass hiking boots (the only water proof shoes I own) are going to inspire anyone. But seriously. The copies are my biggest worry. Do I go to staples and pay, or do I try to wake up early enough to get to school an hour or so before class starts so that I can get my copy code and do them for free? And why, oh why, do I have to do my own copies? At UA, you just fill out a little form and the student assistants do it for you. I like it a lot better that way. (Item #817 on the list of things I like better about UA.)

Okay, so I procrastinated. But does that really surprise you? I always wait until the last minute, and with John visiting for the last week, I wasn't about to spend all my time in University Hall putting the finishing touches on my syllabus and handouts. So I'm down to the wire. It'll get done and this time tomorrow I'll be one down, 44 to go.

*

Since the beginning of my grad student career, I've been meaning to start an annotated bibliography. A prof suggested it once, and it seemed like something only the most anal retentive people would actually do, but now it seems almost essential to keeping everything straight. I haven't even started putting together my exam committee yet, but I'm fairly sure of the topics I'll choose (contemporary poetry, working class lit, etc., etc.), so it couldn't hurt. Anyway, the point is I am going to try to start my annotated bib this semester, and I'm going to use this blog to keep myself honest. So, starting Tuesday, I'll be posting a list of what I'm reading, with short summaries/reviews each week. You have my permission to poke, prod, and torment me if I miss any of the next 15 weeks.

*

Well, I've officially procrastinated longer than I planned. Sigh. Back to the plans...

burst

I had a little spurt of productivity this morning, knocked out 3 more pages of my Ashbery re-write, and now my motivation is gone. I'm around 13.5 pages and need at least twenty. It's due Friday, but I was really hoping to be done before that.

Did I really say writing papers was one of my favorite parts of academia? Yes, I'm over-caffeinated and wearing grungy sweats, but that's about the only part that rings true right now. When's the adrenaline rush going to kick in?

I feel a long post about being a writer/poet coming on...a retrospective post about the last six-seven months and how life has gotten in the way of what I love to do...I'm sure it will be inspiring and motivating. Or whiny and self-deprecating. Either way, it will have to wait until I'm done arm-wrestling with John Ashbery.

procrastinator's update

With less than 2 hours left until my self-inflicted deadline, I now have 8.5 pages typed and believe the other 1.5 pages will come from expanding on things I rushed through.

But...I just. don't. want. to. write. anymore.

I feel like there should be some marathoner's metaphor for this, but I haven't been a runner since tenth grade gym class, so I just don't know.

Writing papers is lame. It's a good thing I'm doing a creative dissertation because there's no way I could do hundreds of pages of this.

So. Back to work. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Update: 10:34. I almost finished on time. And, I'm a little short page-wise, but my word count is right on track. How does that work?

Anyhow, we have to read these bad-boys and I know that it takes longer than 15 minutes to read ten pages, so it's good that I'm short.

ennui

I learned the word "ennui" when I was taking an ekphrastic workshop a couple years ago. We were writing about this painting, by Walter Richard Sickert (I thought it was Degas...oops). I don't remember what I wrote about, but it probably sucked, like most of my ekphrastic poems did.

Anyway, that's how I'm feeling today. Bored and indifferent. Should be writing lesson plans. Could be grading papers. Instead, listlessly flipping through the internet.

Can it puh-leeze stop being winter now?

I called the bbq folks today, but I'd say my chances of working for them this summer are slim. We'll see.

Procrastinating

I should be cleaning, or grading, or working on my manuscript, but instead, here I am. Surprise.

Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to have a life where I actually take weekends off. Even when I was working a normal (9-5) job, I was always taking classes. Okay, I know I'm spoiled. I just took half the summer off. And the whole summer before that. But I was in school mode the whole time, writing & reading close to 40 hours a week. Does anyone get to just go home from work and relax anymore?

I think I'm going to order a pizza today. For some reason, I feel guilty about it.

I wrote a poem last night. It wasn't like my usual stuff, but I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

I have a meeting with VO on Monday. To talk about my memoir proposal. Don't tell Mary. I wonder what Wasserman would say about me writing non-fiction. Better or worse than poetry? Maybe I'll start working on that romance novel just to get him off my back.

Frantic

I've gone and done it again. Waited and waited to get started and now I have to rush on everything.

Why, after 22 years of education and almost 9 years of college/grad school, have I not learned how to better manage my time?

Today, I'm working on a review of Wayne Miller's Only the Senses Sleep and have to finish reading Leadbelly by Tyehimba Jess. Then I have to read my friend Aaron's thesis manuscript. If I finish those things in a reasonable amount of time, I have to decide what is more important: PhD apps or my final project for Non-Fiction.

I told someone yesterday that I hadn't started my personal statement or my writing sample, and he said, "it sounds like you should go ahead and take a year off." AAAAHHH! Have I really procrastinated that long, that it might be better to just wait? No. Because the same thing would happen next year. Besides, if I stay for the 08-09 school year, it would be too easy to stay for the o9-10 school year and the opportunity it would bring (don't know if this is supposed to be public or not, so sorry for the crypticness). I have to do this now and then decide what to do next if I don't get in anywhere. Although I don't think that's going to happen. Cocky or confident? You decide.

Anyhow, in West Akron, a meagle puppy is waiting for her mid-day walk and I haven't had breakfast yet (I suppose it's lunch, now), so I must go. Toodles.

The Queen of Procrastination

Oy vey! Do I know how to waste time or what? This is what I accomplished this weekend:

• Commented on students' rough drafts
• Talked my boss into rescheduling my observation again (I think)

This is what I hoped to accomplish:

• Rough draft of Non-Fiction final project
• Book reviews for Mary's class
• Rough draft of personal statement
• Class plans for the rest of the semester

Yeah, I suck at life.

But on the upside, I got to hang out with my parents all day Saturday. And I got plenty of sleep.

I work well under pressure. I don't have any deadlines this week, so there was not nearly enough pressure for me to be at my best. This week will be busy with my sister in town and Thanksgiving and trying to hang out with my non-school friends, who I routinely neglect during school. The craziness should help me accomplish something, although I'm not sure what.

I'd set a goal for myself to be ready to send out my PhD apps next weekend, but that is definitely not going to happen. Oh well.

I wish I had something cheery to post about, but at this time of the semester, my whining tends to outweigh everything else. *Sigh*

So far... (warning, whiny blog ahead)

So far today, I've:

• studied for the GRE for 2 hours
• walked Rubi
• gone to the grocery store
• made dinner
• made a bunch of annoying but necessary phone calls
• answered my email
• started reading The Visible World for next Monday's class

I think that should be enough for one day, don't you? I mean, I started studying for the GRE at 9, and it's 5. So I put in a full day. But here's where life starts to suck. I looked at the to do list I wrote for myself this morning, and I don't get to cross much off. I'm still supposed to:

• do laundry
• finish commenting on students' rough drafts
• review class plans for tomorrow (The Boss is observing me)
• write poem for Mary's class
• review presentation materials for Mary's class (I'm co-leading a discussion on Corn Shake's Miracle Fruit)
• research PhD programs
• start AWP pedagogy paper

Granted, this list doesn't have to get finished today. I mean, even the stuff that's due tomorrow isn't urgent, since I don't teach until 1p.m. and I have a 3 hour break between teaching and Mary's class. But if I don't keep plowing ahead, I'll start to feel guilty, and when I feel guilty, I get nothing done. I just mope.

Wait, I'm already moping.

P.S. I just looked up mope in the dictionary because it looked weird, and here's what it says: to be gloomy and apathetic. I had no idea how appropriate that word is.

Jimmy riggin'

Instead of working on my thesis, researching phd programs, or writing my class plans, I have spent most of this week reorganizing my life. Cleaning. Doing laundry. Color-coding my closet. Next up? Going through all my paper files including old cell phone bills, intrest rate notices about my student lones, and poem drafts. Hopefully I will realize that I don't need half of this crap and when I'm done, my room won't be so cluttered.

There is a closet in my room that is right over the stairwell, so the floor is slanted. Up to this point, I've just been throwing crap in it and having it all fall on me every time I open the door. I was waiting for my oh-so-handy nephew/roommate to build me some shelves, but lets face it, the kid is as busy, if not busier, than me, so I just went ahead and jimmy-rigged it myself. Here's what it looks like now:

I'm still wasting quite a bit of space, but hopefully this whole makeshift shelving system I created won't come crashing down on me anytime soon.

See what happens when procrastination gets creative? Fun!

Adjusting

So, I've been in the new place for 2 days, and so far, things are pretty good, but there's a lot of adjusting to do. The only real problem up to this point has been reminding my nephew to close the bathroom door when he pees. I think there's something in all men that makes them naturally exhibitionist.

I'm having trouble getting used to being on break, too. I guess that's not exactly right. I'm having trouble keeping myself motivated because I am on break. Last summer, I didn't work, so I could do what I wanted, when I wanted. I can feel myself trying to get into that frame of mind again, and I have to keep reminding myself that I need to get a job. That's what tomorrow is for. Today, I'm going to call the cable company and set up an appointment, pay some bills, and then go hang out with some friends to celebrate the end of the semester.

I'm hoping for a poetry filled summer. I've got a workshop two nights a week from June-August, and the Bisbee workshop at the end of July, so it shouldn't be difficult to get a lot of work done. Plus, there's thesis meetings on Mary's back porch. I'd really love to have my thesis pretty much complete when the fall semester begins, so I can just focus on tightening, revision, and ordering during my final semester (FINAL semester! OMG!) (Did I just type OMG? I did.)

Well, enough procrastinating. I'm about to sit on hold with Time Warner for 47 minutes.

Stolen Moments

After spending all weekend, 12 hours on Monday, and 4 hours this morning, I still didn't have my Muench/Cixous paper finished in time for class. I had 10 and a half pages, no conclusion, and no time to proofread 30 minutes before I had to leave for Kent. Oh, and I hadn't eaten or showered yet. So I gave in and took the optional extension (I guess extensions are always optional) and am going to turn my paper in on Thursday. I don't think it will take more than 2 hours to finish, but right now, I can't possibly think about feminism any more. I'll get back to it tomorrow.

I was going to spend the evening grading and starting my paper for Mary's class, but instead, I'm going to clean and veg out on the couch. If I get a second wind, I'll probably do some free-writing or pick a few poems for the Poetry of the Body paper, but I'm not counting on it. Thank God (and Mary (Mary B, not the virgin)) this one is only six pages, so it will take me half as long--plus it's not all theory crap, so that will shave off a few hours as well. I have all day tomorrow to work on it; hopefully that will be enough.

Meanwhile, the weather's beautiful finally. A little chilly right now, but the sun is shining and there are little buds on the trees. I think it is spring. I think.

I'm in love with Amy Winehouse, but haven't had time to go to the store and buy her CD. I just found out Akron U made a deal with some .com for free music downloads for students, so maybe I'll check that out. I'm so glad the student government is spending their time and money on something that will really impact my education.

This week, with all the paper writing stress, is confirming my plan to not get a PhD. I'm really not a fan of scholarly writing. Hopefully I win some prizes and get some books published so I don't have to give up on the idea of getting a full time teaching job at some point in the future. Right now, waiting tables and writing poems in my free time sounds like the perfect life. But maybe I'm just burnt out.

Well, the dirty dishes are calling me. I best go deal with them before I collapse with exhaustion. I think I'll be asleep by 9 tonight. What a dork.

aargh!

Freaking theory! Freaking term papers!

Two more weeks.

yikes!

There are just two weeks left in the semester. Do you know what that means? I've officially procrastinated long enough to freak out. Time to start taking caffeine pills (kidding!) and ignoring all my family and friends that don't go to school with me (nothing personal, it's just if I don't bump into you, I'm not going to go looking for you right now). Don't you love this time of year? At least the weather is getting better.

Yesterday, Nephew and I signed the lease. He's moving in tomorrow. I'm a little jealous that he's going to be there almost a month before me, but I can't exactly pack up and go right now. I'll try to take some pictures in my copious free time.

You might be wondering why I'm blogging if I'm as swamped as I say I am. Well, here's why. One can't spend 18 hours a day thinking about poetry, freshman comp, and feminist criticism. One needs a short break every now and then. I don't expect to be back until late Tuesday, though, because my first paper is due that afternoon. So. Have a nice weekend. Enjoy the weather, and wish me luck on this paper.

Hot 100

Well, I don't know about hot, but this is my 100th post. Someone should win a prize.

Tonight is Mona's Open Mic with featured reader Tom Dukes, better known to me as Dr. Dukes (he calls his students Ms/Mr, so it doesn't seem right to call him anything but Dr.). I'm super excited to hear him read, since the only poem of his I've read is the one in RHINO.

I'm doing a presentation tomorrow on Sharon Olds' "Rites of Passage." Currently, I'm procrastinating from my preparation because I really don't want to do it. I blindly signed up for this poem without having read it, and frankly, I much prefer Olds' when she writes about being a young woman, lover, daughter, etc. than when she writes about being a mother. Unfortunately, when we signed up, I knew I wanted to do Olds but hadn't read any of the poems on the list of possibilities (and I thought I was a fan!) so I picked one at random, and it didn't work out. I guess I should stop complaining and start explicating.

I watched The Color Purple last night for the first time since I was a kid. I didn't mean to watch it--it was supposed to be background noise while I was working on my papers, but I got sucked in. It was really strange to see Oprah and Whoopi circa 1985, and even stranger to finally understand what the hell was going on, because the last time I saw it, I was too young to totally understand the sexual abuse and way too young to understand the Albert-Celie-Shug love triangle. Now I want to read the book again, cuz I'm pretty sure it's better.

By the way, I love the name Shug.

I can't believe there's less than two weeks before spring semester starts. I'm a little sad that I haven't been more productive (Damn Tyra Banks, VH1, and America's Next Top Model Marathons for stealing the last two days from me!) and wishing that I had another month or so before the daily grind starts again. I have another temp job starting tomorrow and the weekend before school starts, I'm hoping to go visit my sister in Virginia, so I only have a few free days left. Still want to write/revise a few more poems and work on my syllabus and class plan, but I'm probably not going to get as much done as I hope.

I'll try to keep this short--but I'm fretting about PhDs again today. I just wish there was a little crystal ball that could tell me if I'll end up in academia or not. I'm feeling kind of risk-averse lately, and am scared to death about being broke and jobless in 6-8 years. I was watching Oprah today (I'm ashamed to admit) and the episode was about "Class in America." Most of what she and her experts said wasn't very surprising, but there was one statistic that made me a bit uncomfortable. They said that most people don't move from their parents' social class, and if they do move from one class to another, they're more likely to move down a notch. Great. Just makes me wonder how wise it is to continue living off student loans when I could get a job that actually pays decently.

Well, now that I'm thoroughly depressed, I think I'm going to go watch some TV and go to bed early. I'll feel better tomorrow.