About Teaching

Some of you may have had the good fortune to come across my pity-party this morning, but I quickly came to my senses and removed it. I got some work done, cooked a yummy dinner, and am now drinking a glass of wine. Most, if not all, of the world is right again. Until it's not. At which point I will whine, mope, and eventually kick myself into shape. Like I did today.

Anyhow.

That's not what this is about. I want to talk about teaching. About what a strange semester it has been for me as a teacher, and about how things are shaping up for next semester.

I'm teaching two classes right now, and they couldn't be more different. One class is small, engaged, and fun. They have some trouble with reading comprehension from time to time and struggle with the paper assignments (which I can't really blame them for--they're tough [I didn't write the assignments, so it's not like I'm patting myself on the back here]), but they care, and they ask questions, and they tell me if they think I'm full of bullshit.

The other class is everything this one isn't (ha-weird how that happens when I said earlier they couldn't be more different. duh). There are too many students and most of them couldn't care less about...I don't know: the topic of the class, their grades, their classmates, etc. But more than that, this class is set up to be different because I'm co-teaching it with another grad student. I don't know if any of you out there have done much co-teaching, but my partner and I hate it. We've had many conversations about how much we hate it, and many conversations about how to make it better, and it's just not working. I've talked to some colleagues who are co-teaching the same type of course and they enjoy it, so I don't know what the problem is. Maybe it's a personality thing, maybe it's an experience thing (for example, back when I was Mary's teaching intern, I didn't hate that--but Mary was the expert and I was the intern; we had very separate roles.)

As frustrating as this class is, it's been instructive to me. Watching someone else teach on a day-to-day basis has helped me to see how students respond to certain things, what types of activities work and don't work, without having to be the one standing in front of the class. It's easier to see (when you're not running the activity or discussion or lecture) whether the silence and blank faces is a sign of zoning out or of confusion, for example. And having a co-teacher to give immediate feedback is nice, too. But I'd still rather do it alone. Then again, I'd rather do most things alone.

Teaching at UIC, on my own or with a partner, is totally different than teaching at UA was, though. First of all, the student body is much more diverse and (sweeping generalization here, there are certainly exceptions) more down-to-earth. It seems fewer of my students this semester are in school because Mom and Dad said they had to, and more are here because they have some sort of drive. There are fewer non-traditional students (only one who is clearly older than me, and one who is definitely close to my age), and fewer single parents. More than half of my students are bilingual; many, many of them weren't born in the US. They make me feel so much more sheltered than anyone else I've come across in my short time in Chicago. And they think it's funny that I'm from a small town (eh, most people think it's funny that I'm from a small town, I guess). One class was shocked the other day that I'd never heard of Cabrini-Green...and I'm sure there are a thousand other things here that are common knowledge to the locals that I'm just not aware of. Back in Akron, most of my students grew up the same way I did. Some even went to my high school. It's just different...

And it's better. I don't know if it is because I have more experience or because the philosophy of the First Year Writing Program is worlds apart from at UA. My boss at UA, Bill Thelin, wrote a book called Writing Without Formulas, which I taught. Here, I teach a book called They Say/I Say, which is filled with formulas. At UA, I used a student-directed, "democratic" classroom style; students voted on paper topics, I never planned more than a week ahead, and while there was more room to adjust things as the semester progressed, there was never much driving the course from week to week. Here, I have to turn in a complete syllabus (with daily plans) before I'm allowed to teach a course. My classes are theme based and there are a number of projects I have to complete whether my students are interested or not. I admit, I rebelled a bit at first--doing things Bill Thelin's way made me feel like I was in charge of my own classroom--doing things Ann Feldman's way helps a lot when I don't know exactly what my way would be.

And so I've drank the water...and I'm going to be working in the comp office next fall. I'll be reviewing other folks' syllabi, answering student and instructor questions, and I'm not quite sure what else. I think it'll have something to do with color coding and Microsoft Access...they were pretty excited when I told them about my administrative background...but I don't have a ton of details yet. The downside is that it'll be longer than I hoped before I teach poetry. I've been peaking at the course listings and many, many of my first-year classmates are teaching non-comp classes: film and lit, intro to rhetoric, American lit and culture, intro to fiction writing, etc. My courses aren't listed yet, but folks who work in the comp office typically teach comp, so...I don't see Intro to Poetry Writing in my Fall 2009 teaching assignment. Sigh. This will be great experience--not to mention great on my CV--but I am conflicted about not getting into that poetry classroom as quickly as some of my friends are getting into their fiction classrooms.

Conflicted--that's how I feel a lot about my life at UIC. But let's not get into that right now.

In the Light of Morning

Okay, so yesterday I was in a black hole, or I was the black hole, but today I'm feeling much better. Last night was exactly what I needed--a nap, home cooked dinner (mashed potatoes!), and some quiet time. Jen, I'm sorry I didn't make it over, but being alone for a while was essential to my fragile psyche.

Jeannine mentioned in my comments that it's good to hear a comp teacher talking about not liking her job (I'm paraphrasing here), so let me say a couple things on that. On the good days, when I can see the light of understanding turn on in my students' faces, I love it. That's why I think teaching a subject I love will be okay--or why I hope so--but let's face it: comp is not my forte. Sure, I am a nearly professional academic writer, and I've always enjoyed (in a sick sort of way) the process of writing term papers. Unfortunately, being able to do something doesn't always translate into being able to teach it. I haven't figured out yet how to explain my thought process in a way that's helpful, and I find formulas stifiling, so I often struggle with how to get what I want from my students--even how to get my students to understand what I want from them. Also, I was trained in a writing center, and I prefer (and think I'm better at) working one-on-one with students. In a tutor-tutee (heehee) situation, I can cater what I say to that student's needs, to that student's subject, etc. You can't do that with 25 at once.

I also struggle with a class that has no actual subject matter. My boss is a critical pedagogist (I've talked about this before, but don't feel like finding the entry to make a link) which basically means that the comp classroom is a place to talk about injustice and empowerment (this is admittedly a vast oversimplification) and those are two things I really would prefer not to talk about. I try to direct the discussion and the reading to things that are less volatile--relationships, college as life experience, identity, learning, etc.--rather than the popular topics of politics and controversy, patriarchy and racism, etc., etc. I'm not allowed to have my students write literary analysis, so there's really no point in having them read what I would enjoy reading and discussing...so I try to make it work with the essays we have in the text book. But I'm not engaged, and they can tell.

The last--and probably biggest--issue with teaching comp is that the students don't care. Comp (to the best of my knowledge) is the only class everyone takes, regardless of major. Sure, there are history requirements, and math, science, etc., but I think most of those requirements have a couple of different options. But everyone takes comp, and 95% of them hate it. They think it's stupid, a waste of time, remedial, etc., and it is really, really hard to convince them otherwise. In my largest class-25-I typically have anywhere from 9 to 15 people present on any given day. That wouldn't be so bad if it was the same group every day, but the class is often completely different on Tuesday than it was on Monday. So, I repeat myself constantly. I make a plan that requires some sort of homework but the people who got the assignment don't show up and the ones that do are unprepared. I've given up on making them prepare for class ahead of time--I just let them read or free-write or whatever in class because otherwise I just get frustrated that no one has done what I asked.

And then they sit and stare. Or text. Or whisper to each other. Or sleep. All things I did as a student, so I can't be too mad, but jeez, it's hard to ignore. Allow me to take this time to apologize to all the profs I've disrespected in my life--I understand now! At any rate, even if I'm having a good day, if I'm convinced that my class plan is brilliant, when I come into class to find three of them sleeping, 8 of them with cell phones in their hands, and two of them whispering in the corner, I want to run from the room crying.

There is a silver lining, though. I have one class this semester that totally energizes me. It's a small class, 14 students, and the attendence is pretty good. They talk to me, they ask me questions, they do their homework. If every class was like this one, I would love my job. But very few classes are like this one and most days, it's not good enough to erase the stress of trying to entertain and teach at the same time.

One of the things I'm most looking forward to if / when I go to UIC is that I won't be teaching in the fall; instead, I'll be taking a course called Teaching College Writing that will allow (force) me to make a new syllabus and 15 weeks worth of plans for both comp 1 and comp 2. I wish I would have had this class already. I mean, we had Practicum at Akron, but it ran in tandem with my first semester of teaching, and another thing my boss is fond of is planning a class one day at a time--allowing what happens in the classroom to dictate what I bring to the table. For someone like me who has trouble with uncertainty and likes to plan everything (even what time I'll take a shower and what I'll eat for lunch), trying to run a class day by day is agonizing. Yet I've never had the time/discipline to plan ahead. So, English 555 at UIC, here I come. Maybe after that I'll feel better.

I think most of us who want to be teachers are very idealistic. We want to share our love of something with others, we want to make people understand why what we do is valuable. But no one tells us how hard it will be to do that. I've had a couple of students say things like, "Wow, your job is so easy," and I just want to strangle them. Are you serious? I think about teaching about 22 hours a day. I dream about it. I start teaching at 9:55 in the morning and I'm usually still grading or reading or planning something when I go to bed at 11. I spend my weekends catching up. And I'm never caught up. Part-time instructor my ass. Granted, I take breaks on those 13 hour days to make dinner, talk to my friends, get coffee, etc., but still, I'm usually talking about work. Every other job I've had got put away after 5, or at the end of a shift, but not this one. Nope, I'm a teacher 24 hours a day. And that's hard, because what I really want to be is a poet.

Don't worry--I'm still writing. Just not with the veracity I was before. I've written about 6-8 new poems this semester, and that's not bad (about 2 per month), but it's not great either. And for the first time in 3 years, I'm not reading 2-3 books a week. I'm lucky if I read 2-3 a month. I miss it so much, miss being a student, being able to say "I'm a TA, everyone understands that teaching isn't my first priority." That's why I'm looking forward to starting a new program. Someone, please force me to read and write every day!

Visiting Hours

I have my first "visiting writer" gig today. I'm going to be reading some poems in Mary's new poetry class with Michael Dumanis, Robert Miltner, and Dawson Steeber. After the long line of poets Mary's been bringing in this semester (Kate, Jeannine, HL Hix, please, please tell me I didn't forget anyone) I'm going to have a bit of performance anxiety. Excited to hang out with Mr. Dumanis though, and hear him read. I'm almost done with My Soviet Union, and hopefully I will have time to completely finish it before I go walk Rubi.

*

Yesterday, my boss came to observe me (despite my valiant efforts to postpone his visit again) and told me...I suck at lecturing. *Surprise!* No, he didn't say I suck at lecturing. He just said I rushed through and didn't give enough examples. Duh. That's why I wanted him to observe me on a day when I was doing group work, which I know I'm good at. Lecturing makes me nervous, he makes me nervous, it's really not a good combination. But overall it went well and I think he's still going to let me join the adjunct army next semester.

*

Yahoo weather tells me it is 59 degrees outside right now. I think I have to go check that out.

Humble Pie and Can English Save the Planet?

Part I: Humble Pie

Two rejections in 24 hours. Balances out the good news from earlier in the week.

Part II: Can English Save the Planet?

Today, this guy came to U of A to talk about composition. At the beginning of his talk, he asked "Why teach writing?" and at the end he said "to save the planet." Critical Pedagogy. Bleh! Why can't I just teach writing so my students learn to write??? I was really disappointed because I'm using his text book (which I think is perfect so far) and he didn't even mention it, or how it might be a tool towards this world-changing way of teaching writing. I suppose he might have during Q&A, but I had to leave for class, so if he did, I missed it.

At any rate, I still don't see how comp classes can/are supposed to change the world/society/culture etc. Don't college freshmen have enough to worry about without being urged to become political activists of some sort? Or am I still misunderstanding critical pedagogy? It makes me a little bit crazy trying to figure it out. Which is why I am no longer studying composition.

The end is in sight

Well, I spent all day Friday commenting on Intro to Poetry portfolios, all day Saturday grading English Comp portfolios, and I am now done grading for the semester. All that's left on my to-do list is to write my teaching philosophy, which I have clearly been putting off.

I did take a little time to go through some of my old Comp stuff (remember, I did a year in the comp program before I switched over to the MFA) and I'm really struggling to put it all together. I wish I'd had an assistantship that first year. It was so hard to take comp classes without any teaching experience, and now it's really difficult to write a philosophy, using comp theory to back it up, when it has been 2 years since I took a class. I mean, there was practicum, but my prof for practicum is a social constructionist/social epistemic/critical pedagogist (I'm not really sure which label is exactly right, but he does a little of them all, I guess) and I am definitely not. Hence, the reading we've done this semester is kind of off.

Don't get me wrong. There's some stuff from these camps that makes sense: democratic classroom, sharing authority, etc. But I don't want my class to become a political forum, and I don't want any unneccesary conflict in my class--the kids are already set up to be competing against each other and testing my authority. Let's not help them out.

I fall in more with the Expressivists (Dr. Svehla always calls me a writer teaching writing, which I love the sound of) and maybe a little of the pragmatists. I think personal narrative is the best way to learn to write because it allows beginning writers to focus on craft, rather than on complex subject matter. I think if you learn to write well about your own experiences, learn to use examples from your own life to support your opinions, then it is easy to transfer those skills to a more academic topic. I don't think my class was all fluffy bunnies, but I do think my students excelled when I asked them to analyze themselves, their lives, and their beliefs rather than some arbitrary topic.

But who can I quote to back this opinion up? Probably Murray, Elbow...who else? It's been so long I'm already forgetting the names. Which means I have a lot of reading to do (rather, skimming and reading what I highlighted two years ago) to get to where I'm ready to write this philosophy paper. My goal is to have it done on Tuesday, so that break can officially start on Tuesday night, but maybe that goal is too lofty. Maybe I should take my time and turn it in on Thursday or Friday, after I've had some time to incubate my thoughts.

At any rate, blogging about it isn't going to help, so I guess I should sign off. The next time you hear from me, I'll be on Christmas break. Hallelujah.