The girl who cries at the bar

Yep, that's me. Last night, I was hanging out with John (that's the new guy) and Eric (aka Little, aka Akron's poetry prodigy) and watching the Cavs (I hate sports, but it was an all right game as far as games go) and then, when Eric went home, John and I started talking about Chicago and I started weeping, right there at the bar. I cried. At the bar. For pete's sake! Get a grip...

So, I'm excited, I am...but there's a much bigger part of me that is scared and sad. I feel like I'm walking away from who I am by walking away from where I live. Is that silly? I'm afraid that nothing will feel right in Chicago and I'll fall apart. I hope I'm wrong, and I'm trying to stay positive, but last night it caught up with me and there I was, weeping.

To compound the sadness, I just turned in my office key at the UA police station. I am officially not an A-K-Rowdy any more. To think, 9 years ago when I took my first class on campus, I couldn't wait to move on--and here I am, two degrees later, wishing I could stay forever. Funny how things work out.

Tomorrow, I go to Chicago. Unfortunately, I have realized that I am apartment hunting a bit too early. The apartmentpeople won't have August listings until June. Everything else that I've found is available now/June 1, and obviously I'm not moving yet. Hopefully I get something accomplished while I'm there, besides drinking margaritas with Brandi.

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An update on the BBQ madness: I'll be in Jamestown, NY, June 4-7. Karen, you better come see me!

The weather outside is frightful

and so is my personal statement.

To be more accurate, I still haven't written one.

I'm definitely freaking out about the deadline, but I'm more freaked out about the reason behind my impossible writer's block. I'm afraid, very afraid, of actually going through with these applications.

I've lived here (NEOhio) all my life. I've had my family, my best friend since fifth grade, the comfort of knowing the U of A campus and faculty for so long...I'm afraid to dig up my roots and go someplace new. Not to mention my new(ish) NEOMFA friends. I'm going to miss them, this place, my regular life.

But more than that (maybe) I'm afraid that I'll be turned down. Everywhere. Some days, I feel pretty confident. I have a good GPA, good GRE scores, a good collection of poems (published and unpublished) that I'm more than proud of, and if I can just get what's in my head onto paper, there's no reason why I shouldn't be a competitive applicant.

But I have a tendency not to do things that are scary--things that aren't 100% going to happen, and I'm terrified of my own reaction come March, if all those schools say no. What will I do then? Knowing myself, I'll cry, I'll pout, and then I'll start looking for other options. The disaster will only last a couple weeks. But in the meantime, I don't like thinking about that possibility, and no one can say no if I don't ask.