Tell me what you are
That you wish you were not.
--Margaret Balistreri
I've been wanting to use this as an epigraph for a poem for a while now, but I've never gotten around to it. People tease me for whining, for being self-deprecating all the time, but it seems that sitting down to write this poem is almost more negativity than I can handle. But I'm in a funk today and wanting to wallow in it.
This semester, as my friends and faithful readers already know, has been a tough one. I never quite caught my stride, and now, three weeks from the end, I'm floundering. Worse, I'm having trouble caring about it. I want, more than anything, to spend days and days with my head in a pile of books, with a notebook and a fresh Pilot V5, with a bottle of wine, some sappy music, maybe a cool breeze blowing through the window...in essence, I want to go back to being an MFA student, when the scenario just described was actually considered work. Funny that I've only been done with my program for 4 months and I'm already nostalgic for it.
The frustrating thing is that I thought being a part-time comp instructor would allow me to continue in that way, but it hasn't--at all. I'm more stressed out now--and not in a boy, this is challenging, I hope I get it done and get it done well kind of way--than I've been in a long time. Probably since I was working full time and taking 3 classes. Teaching comp challenges me in ways I would prefer not to be challenged: dealing with disrespectful students, trying to engage those who have already checked out, trying to inspire and advise people who just don't give a f***. I hope, with every fiber of my being, that teaching creative writing and lit will be better, because if not, I am setting myself up for a life I don't want.
Things in my personal life are stressful these days too, but at least I'm not apathetic about that. I won't get into details, but lets just say that there was crying involved and, for the first time ever, I've used more minutes/text messages than my cell plan covers. Don't worry--it's nothing serious, just drama. Some of the drama is good, some of the drama is resolved, but all types of drama leave me exhausted. Drained. I'm wanting to spend time with friends and family but also feeling empty of fuel for socializing and bonding.
And then there's the PhD stuff. It's finally become a reality that I will be leaving home soon. Earlier, it was just this vague idea--a day dream almost--that someday I would go away to study. Being in Chicago last week made me realize that someday is just a few months down the road. I know I've been cryptic about the decisions ahead of me, so I'll summarize by saying that UIC is the only school that has offered me everything I want, but I'm waitlisted at two other places--two places that aren't quite so urban and overwhelming--and I'm not really ready to say yes to UIC yet. But I will have to be on Tuesday. (Oh! Tax day. Crap!) My crystal ball says that's where I'll end up, and a lot of people are recommending it. It's another one of those things that I'm just not sure if it is going to be stressful (negative spin) or challenging(positive spin).
I'm excited for the next stage in my life but I'm frigging terrified. And when I'm scared, I shut down. Probably the reason I haven't been blogging much (besides that I'm busy), the reason I haven't done my taxes yet, the reason I'm never caught up on class plans or grading, the reason I don't answer emails immediately anymore... You get the idea.
Well. I didn't realize I was going to have so much to say. And now I have to go try to force myself to get something done.
Poem: Highs and Lows
5 hours ago
4 comments:
Just remember that you are the one in control. Even if you say yes to Chicago, and change your mind after the 15th - guess what, you can! Procrastination is often a sign that I am unhappy with something - and then I have to remember that whatever is making me unhappy, I usually have control over to fix - relationships, places to live, jobs, schools, etc - really, you're not stuck in any of them! You could always just move to Hawaii, as my mother always said to me, and become a surfer.
And I like hearing about your experiences teaching - so please keep it up! I think a lot of people teaching comp don't like it, but don't really talk about why, so it's useful for me to hear why it's hard.
Anyway, best of luck sweetie, and take good care of yourself.
I like Jeannine's advice. I went through a very similar period in my life when I was probably about your age. And my final decision was not to go get a PHD. I made a lot of mentors and colleagues unhappy, but since that time, I have never been unhappy about that choice. As for teaching comp, I have a class like you are describing. Case in point: I still have 19 students enrolled in the class. Do you know how many of said students came to class today? 5! The joke on our campus is that many of our students think Fridays are optional.
Good luck with your decisions! And may you feel better soon.
Thanks Ladies. I'm feeling better today, but we'll see how long it lasts.
Jeannine, it's interesting that you say that about comp teachers--I think everyone tells us as we're getting ready to graduate that teaching part time is a good alternative to the job market or the PhD, but it really isn't. I think I'd probably be happier and less stressed out right now if I had gone back to temping or even gotten a waitressing job while I was waiting to hear from the PhD programs I applied to. Teaching comp is not easy, even for the people who love it (at least the ones I talk to), and --this is a whole other issue-- shouldn't be passed on to anyone who has a Masters in English of some sort.
You too, Sara? I just keep telling myself that I'm in control...and then when that doesn't work, I think "what's meant to be, will be." Then, I go to bed. I've been sleeping a lot lately. haha...Decision making has never been my strong point.
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