Yesterday, a bird pooped on me.
I was sitting outside trying to calm down before class--I was fired up about the lousy feedback I got on that paper last week and anxious about going before the firing squad with the next one--and had just started to cry a little (Press pause for a minute here. I think people who don't cry a lot just don't get this. It's like turning a valve to let some pressure out, that's all. It's not always bc we're sad. Got it?) Okay, so I'd just started to cry a little, and splat! there's bird crap on my brand new jacket.
Bird crap will snap you out of a funk pretty quick if you have any sense of humor at all. And I guess mine is still in tact, because I giggled, got up, went inside to clean it off, and went on with my day.
My presentation was only a little bit painful, and now it's over. But I'm still a little raw about it. And not looking forward to writing my seminar paper for this course if it's going to get the same kind of critique. I'm learning, right? I'll be better next semester.
This reminds me of something I was talking to a friend about while waiting for the train last night. As Ph.D. students, we're in this strange position where some profs treat us like colleagues and others treat us like students. And then there are some who treat us like students but expect us to operate on the same level as colleagues. Eh, this is all getting kind of convoluted, but here's what I'm trying to get at: I'm not as well read as my profs, I'm not as experienced as a teacher, and I've never done a panel presentation where people asked questions to try to implode my argument--and I'd like for someone to teach me, or at least let me know what the expectations are before I'm in water above my head and just barely floating.
I admit, a big part of this is my fault--I don't ask for help until I'm in trouble. But part of that is that I'm usually good at school stuff and don't need help. After I screw up, well, then I know to ask for help, but up until that point, I think I can get by the way I always do.
I'm trying to turn this into a learning experience instead of what it feels like right now: that I've been slapped on the wrist and and sent to the corner to think about what I've done. I know it's not that personal, but it just feels shitty. So...how do I make that productive? How do I laugh at the bird poop on my jacket and then get to work on my next paper?
the anxieties of blue skies
1 week ago
5 comments:
Hey girl! Since I don't have a Phd, but my mom just finished hers up, I'll tell you about her experiences - one of the most important things she found out was that in a phd program you need a strong advocate and advisor within your program. This does not have to be the person assigned as your advisor - and in my mother's case, it frequently wasn't. Those are the people who can steer you around problematic professors and problems, help prep your papers, give you notes about what to expect from what classes and deadlines, how to defend your thesis at various intervals, fill out the paperwork, etc. The faster you have established a relationship like that, the faster you will finish your phd. (Thanks Mom!)
Hope that is helpful. It's second-hand advice, but better than nothing :)
I love how honest you are. I love the way you lay things out. I have no advice, but I'd read a book about your experiences any day . . .
Jeannine, that's what I'm hoping to find...but so far, no luck. I'll keep looking. : )
Nin, thanks so much. That's just about the best compliment I've ever gotten.
A seagull pooped on me the last time I visited San Francisco.
I'm good for helpful, incisive comments like this one.
Steve, seagull poop is probably a lot worse than what I had to deal with. Thanks for putting things into perspective. ;-)
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