Time for change, perhaps?

So, I just claimed saratracey.wordpress.com as my own. One of my sisters goes around the internet signing up for every blogging/free web hosting service using her name as the url just to make sure no one gets it before she does (even though she doesn't blog often) and though I thought this was silly when I first heard it, now it's making a lot of sense. Especially since I've hated the title "Mindful Ramblings" since about five minutes after I decided on it. And because it's not likely I'll ever grow to hate my own name, having that in a url makes a lot more sense. Plus, it'll be much easier to find me at the new blog, so it's all good, right?

I'm going to hang out here a while longer while I get used to how wordpress works and tweak my blog list and that sort of thing, so don't abandon me yet. I'll let you know when it's time to update your links.

Anyway, here's where you come in, faithful readers. What should I call my new blog? "Sara Tracey's Blog" just isn't going to cut it, and though the new title won't be as permanent as MR has felt, I still don't want it to suck--or to decide it sucks five minutes after I name it. The first thing to pop into my mind is "a nickel to tell me," a phrase from this poem (scroll down), but I'm always afraid that it only makes sense to me (I've thought about using it as a section or manuscript title). Any other ideas?

And on the third day

she went to school to use the internet and the printer. And to sit in a little room that makes her feel like she has to be productive because it is her office (one of her offices) and she is expected (by someone she calls "boss") to stay on task when she is in this office.

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Okay. Enough referring to myself in the third person. But it's true. Now that I have this administrative job (it's only ten hours a week, but it still counts), I feel so much more productive. Especially when I'm in the office. I share it with 3 others, but we're never in it at the same time, so it feels like mine. It's not like the 1/2 of a cubicle I have downstairs, or the bullpen I worked in last year. It's a real room with a door and windows and a computer and a desk and a printer and I'm here to be productive. I've crossed everything off my list for today except: 1) write two poems and 2) write a reading response. I should do the reading response before I get tired and hungry and decide to go home. But I want to write the two poems so I can email this week's Poem-a-Day results to Gary. I have to write two poems today because yesterday I forgot. I wasn't too busy, I just forgot. I wasn't in a poem-y space.

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But before I finish my to do list, there's something I've been wanting to blog about. Well, that makes it sound serious and important. It's just, I seem to come here so often when I'm stressed, but I also go to those blogs listed to your right when I'm stressed, and they make me feel better. So, here's a list of blogs that are almost as good as chocolate for making my day a little bit better:

Blogs that make me want to write poems:
Radish King
21 km up the valley
Chicks Dig Poetry
independent study

Blogs that make me happy:
Intagliod Up in Blue
Lorcaloca
Pugnacious Pinoy
budajest
corn shake

Blogs that make me want to take better care of myself:
The Brother Swimming Beneath Me
Book of Kells

So, thanks bloggers, for making me a little less cranky and a little less crazed.

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Back to the list.

On Fitting In

When I was a teenager, and probably even before that, all that mattered in the world was fitting in. I think (no, I know) I've blogged about this before. On the left, you'll see one of my many failed attempts at fitting in. This particular time, I was at a Christian Workcamp--you know, the kind where a bunch of teenagers get into their pastors' vans, drive to some rural, underprivileged area, and slap some paint (or roof tar, in my case) on someone's dilapidated house all day, then come back to the high school they've turned into a bunk house at night for praying, dancing, and flirting (I know, it's a weird combination, but it's true). Anyway, I think I was 15 in this picture, and all the "cool" kids at the time were skaters--I guess to me that meant baggy tee-shirts (which I wore for most of the 90's anyway), baggy jeans (which I borrowed from a boy I had a crush on), and wallet chains (even though I didn't carry a wallet). That whole day, I thought I was so cool, but the second I got home and got this film developed, I realized I looked ridiculous.

Anyway, this is all just supposed to be a metaphor, but I got carried away. This post is actually about who I am in the blogosphere. And lately, I feel like I don't fit in. Maybe that's okay, who knows? But I find myself reading other people's blogs and wondering, "how can my blog be more like this one?" And "Why don't I get as many hits as this blogger?" It's silly, really. My blog is my blog...as in, it is the online representation of ME--not a crafted persona, just an honest, (perhaps too honest) projection of who I am in the real world, all the whining and self-deprecating that my closest friends get to hear on a daily basis put down in print for the whole world to see. If they want to. If they happen to Image search "uvula" or google "18-year-old boys" or any other random phrase that continues to get more hits than anything poetry related does. And if it's real and genuine, why would I change it?

Well, because no one likes a whiner. Because I hate reading through my archives and realizing how often I come here when I'm in a bad mood. And because I recently found out that my students do actually read my blog (I didn't think they'd care enough, but I guess I was being naive) and giggle about it in class the next day. Because at this point, with my first chapbook right around the corner and every day my life as a poet feeling more and more like a career, maybe I should start thinking of this blog as a tool and not just a space to vent and ramble. Some folks have been talking about blog reincarnation, and of course, some folks have been doing it, and I'm wondering if maybe I should join the crowd.

But the fact is, even if I got a new url, I'd most likely slip back into my old habits, because, like I said, this is me. So, I do need to go through the archives and delete things my students don't need to read (and proabably a million other people don't need to read either), but I don't need a new blog. Do I need an attitude adjustment (that sounds so much like my mother) all around? More than likely. A little less whining and a little more curiousity...that's what I need to go for right here and in real life. A new goal, I guess. Here goes...

Morning Musings

Why can't I make a decent pot of coffee? Seriously, someone, help me out!

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I had way too good of a weekend for it to be Monday already. Every day should be: sleep until 11, go out to lunch, take a nap, go out to dinner, go dancing until 4 am. Forget writing syllabi and reading Mao.

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Fellow bloggers: does your spouse/partner/boyfriend/girlfriend read your blog? BF and I had a little argument about this the other day. I think he should read it, he thinks not...but he was annoyed when Toby knew something from my blog that I'd never talked to BF about. I'm just curious how other couples handle it.

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I think I figured out poetry project #2. There's going to be mafia/ Italian Catholic immigrant themes running through it, but the organizing narrative will be about a woman observing her aging mother after her father leaves (or dies, haven't decided how morbid I want to be yet). With the exception of some details from the 1940's, this project will not be (auto)biographical. I'm feeling really good about this--I've been kicking around this idea for years, but I didn't want to write a book that had to be totally research based. The mother-daughter angle lets me get started even though I don't have time to do the library work right now.

Alas, I still need to finish ms #1. I'm clearly missing fall deadlines again, but maybe I can make the winter ones.

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Indian summer this week. It was really warm out over the weekend and is supposed to be in the 70s today and tomorrow. And I just put away all my summer clothes.

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I thought I was going to be part of history and become a Chicagoan all at once when Obama comes to Grant Park on Tuesday, but apparently, the tickets sold out in less than an hour. I guess I'm going to an election party, but I think it might be safer to hide in my apartment and avoid the CTA that day. Oh well.

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Carol asked me to talk about revision. She's finishing her thesis. I'm going to try to post something soon. Something poetic (gasp)!

Post-breakdown post

After a nice, long weekend with my family and my bf, I'm back in Chicago and freezing my butt off. But more importantly, I am feeling a lot better about life in general and have realized that I just need regular doses of home in order to manage my new life and circumstances. I'm close enough to Ohio that a weekend trip is manageable, so I don't know why I was exiling myself for the last two months. That won't happen again...especially since I'm going home 8 days from now and again for Thanksgiving. And after Thanksgiving, only 2 weeks left in the semester.

Despite my recent emotional instability, this semester has been flying by. We're more than half-way done and it's time to start writing papers and revising workshop poems, which are two of my favorite tasks. It's weird...writing term papers is kind of agonizing, but it's the kind of agony I enjoy. Over-caffeinating, running high-lighters out of ink, sitting in my un-ergonomic desk chair for so long I can't walk when I get up, showing up to turn in my paper with a bandanna and grungy sweats... I'll hate myself for a couple of days because I procrastinated too long, and then the adrenaline will kick in and that's when I love being an academic the most. Remind me of this a month from now when I'm panicking, okay?

When I'm done here, I'll be starting on the revisions because one is due tomorrow. I love when revisions are required during the semester and not just for the final portfolio--gives me more motivation to do more than 2 drafts, which is necessary most of the time anyway. It'll be interesting to see where these revisions take me. I've written about five/six new drafts this semester and turned in a couple of older, but not polished, poems for workshop, so there's a combination of Stella manuscript-ish stuff and stuff that doesn't fit into a project yet. Maybe, as I'm revising, I'll see that they're all about Stella & co., or maybe I'll start to see a new trajectory developing. Either way, I'm looking forward to envisioning these poems as part of a series. I've found that I don't like writing poems that don't belong to something larger. They feel shapeless and meandering.

Speaking of shapeless and meandering...my blog is definitely suffering, and has been since I went on the road back in May. I certainly haven't stuck to my resolution about doing more po-biz here, and my site meter is showing that people are tired of me whining. Alas, I struggle to find something more thought-provoking to write about because my brain is just tired lately. When I'm emotionally unstable, I don't do much serious thinking, except about me-me-me. Sorry, folks. Hopefully soon. I'm regaining balance.

I love the new blog list! I've been wondering where people got them and then, this morning, I finally figured out that it's actually part of blogger. Who knew? Unfortunatley, it took me an hour to transfer my old link list into the new blog list, so I don't have much time for posting.

I think things are finally getting better. I think I am finally starting to find my new rhythms here and to have a little bit of a life. But I'm still sleeping way too much. Transitions are exhausting, apparently.

That's all. More soon.

Sanitizing

My Comp 2 students created blogs today. That means it's time to make sure all my old posts are PG. Probably a good thing to do anyway.

By the way, does anyone know of some good non-writer/non-lit blogs? I'd like to give the students some examples that aren't all poetry, all the time.

Blog as teaching tool?

I think I mentioned this a while back, but I'm planning to have my students in Comp 2 (argumentation) keep blogs this coming semester.

Does anyone have any experience with this sort of thing? Know of good resources? Thoughts or suggestions? Please let me know, *especially* if it was a disaster.

Thanks!

bloggers remorse

I've been second guessing a lot of my blog posts lately. Feeling like I'm maybe just a little too honest around here.

Suffice it to say I'm stressed about PhD applications.

I tried to stay away

but my blogging addiction has to be fed.

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Speaking of addictions. I've smoked since I was 19, but I hid it from my mom until I was 26. After I confessed, she asked me to continue pretending I didn't smoke around her. That lasted for a while, but when I spend a lot of time at her house, it's really hard to watch my family go out to the porch to smoke. And my refraining may be part of the reason Carla and I often want to kill each other.

So, I decided since I would be at Mom and Dad's for 3 days, I would quit pretending. But still, every time I went outside, I felt guilty. And embarrassed. Is shame a good reason to quit? I've heard good things about this. Maybe I'll try it.

*

Thanksgiving was good. The house is very small, though, and I am clausterphobic. All of my sisters were in attendance, as were 5 of my seven nieces and nephews and 2 of their 4 kids. Plus all three of my brother-in-laws. It was crowded. I love having a big family, but sometimes it's not good for the recluse in me. I wonder where Thanksgiving will be next year. Will Mom and Dad be in Florida then? Will I be far, far away in PhD-land? Who knows.

Oh, that reminds me. I've known my sister Carla's husband since I was 13 or 14, which was long before they started dating. He's a pretty quiet guy most of the time, but when he loosens up, he's often quite sarcastic and a little mean (perfect for my sister, really). We get along pretty well, but 98% of the time, if we're talking, he's teasing me. So imagine my surprise when, during dinner the other day, he said something nice (and not even a little sarcastic). I was talking about applying for PhD's and said "if I get into any programs..." and he said, "when you get into a program..." I know. It doesn't seem like much, but if you knew Ryan, you would know that was a pretty big compliment. Another thing to be thankful for.

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I've finally procrastinated long enough that I'm motivated to get things done. I have 2 book reviews due on Wednesday and a presentation in Non-Fiction a week from Monday. Plus that nasty personal statement and my writing sample for PhD apps. And the apps themselves. But I like filling out forms.

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I'm graduating in 2 weeks. Well, I guess it's technically 3 weeks until commencement, but I'm not going to that. My graduation reading is in 2 weeks, though, and that feels more official and important. I'm still working myself up for a really sentimental MFA-in-review post that will be full of nostalgia and fun pictures. Mary doesn't understand my love for all things sentimental (cheesy pop songs, romance novels, chick flicks, etc.) but I bet she'll get a little teary-eyed when she reads my graduation blog.

After that, there are going to be some changes around here. For one thing, my "fledgling poet" tag line has to go. And I still want to think of a new name for the blog (suggestions welcome). I'm also going to go through old posts and censor some things because I'm going to have my Comp 2 students write their own blogs next semester and I don't want them finding my "I don't know how to teach" posts. Also planning to update my background and blogroll. And maybe trying to do some more po-bizy posts.

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Okay. I got my blog fix. Back to Baptist Confidential.

Rubi's Tuesdays

Did you know I walk Mary's dog once a week? I do. Except, I haven't for 2 weeks. So I'm really looking forward to it today. Even though it's pretty chilly outside. (I used to work at a Ruby Tuesday, though, so it's kinda funny that my Rubi day is Tuesday, isn't it? Or am I a bigger dork than I thought?)

I'm going to make beef stew when I get home. I haven't made that in a long, long time.

There's a ginormous geek squad van in my parking lot right now. Someone must be having a really geeky problem if they had to send the van instead of the Beetle.

Randomness. If you can't tell, I'm a fan.

So, I am seriously thinking about sending out my thesis to first book contests. I didn't think it would be ready so soon, but every time I touch it, it feels done. Just one problem. I think I'm going to miss most of the deadlines. Anybody know about good 1st book contests with December/January deadlines?

I decided not to study for the Lit GRE. I know what I know, and I'm not going to learn anything between now and Saturday. I'd rather just cross that mountain off my to do list.

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About blogs...

I've been thinking a lot about the appropriateness of my blog. I keep finding out about people who read it that I wouldn't expect to (say, random profs at UA who I've never had class with, classmates that I don't know very well, my mother on an increasingly regular basis). I wonder if someone at PhD program X has been reading all along, and when they get my application, they'll say, "this chick is crazy, don't let her in!" Also, next semester, when I join the Adjunct Army, I'll be teaching one computer lab class, so I've been thinking about making my students write their own blogs. If I do that, I feel like I'll have to go through my archives and delete anything where I whine about my students or my teaching ability.

So, the question is, how do I balance the two functions of this blog (1. po-biz/grad school self-promotion and 2. the ramblings of an ego-maniac with an inferiority complex)? Any suggestions, oh great blog experts?

Clarifying

Issue #1:
I am not deleting my blog. I have never thought about deleting my blog. I love my blog. I thought my last post was stupid, and I was thinking about deleting that. Sorry for the confusion.

Issue #2:
Mary B, although a rockin' professor, does not fit into the category of "professors who are significantly older than me." Neither does Eric Wasserman. Nor does hanging out with Mary count as "hob-nobbing" as our friend Dawson likes to say. (Plus, if I remember right, Dawson is older than Mary, so...what does that mean?) : )

Anything else?

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How smart are you?

GRE study question of the day. Choose the word that is the antonym of this: Sedulity

1. nonchalance
2. loyalty
3. hurriedness
4. willingness
5. majesty

Dictionaries are cheating. I'll post the anwer later.

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I have ALOT of work to do. Yesterday I did 150 practice questions and missed 39. If it were a test with a regular grade, I would have a C-. And that's just the verbal. I haven't even cracked the math section yet.

I've always thought that for a writer/English major, I have a ridiculously small vocabulary. This test is confirming that notion. However, if all goes as planned, by October 23, that will no longer be a problem.

a confession, a rant, and a ramble

Kristy loves her blog, but I'm obsessed with mine. I'm a little embarrassed every time I look at my archives and realize that I post almost every day, sometimes more than once a day. It seems to be the ultimate form of narcissiscm to think people actually care what I have to say that often.

And then I get annoyed when everyone else doesn't blog as often as I do. I need something to read! As if the 300 and some books immediately to my left don't count as reading material. What can I say? I like to know what poets who actully get published on a regular basis think...maybe they'll rub off on me. Maybe, by reading some editor's blog, I can figure out the right poems to send. Maybe I'm just lonely and should start calling my friends when I have the urge to commune with my psuedo-internet-friends. Maybe.

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Also, I've been seeing a lot these days about people being anti-MFA, and frankly, it annoys me. All right, hold on. I'm not saying if you want to be a writer you have to get one, I'm just saying, if you don't want one, can't afford one, or whatever, stop telling people who do, and can, that they shouldn't. Doing this was absolutely the right decision for me and if I wasn't here, I'd still be working in HR, trying to write a crappy romance novel, and I wouldn't have ever realized that my real passion is poetry.

Okay, so it is expensive. My education is costing me about as much as a small house on the poor side of Akron. But my education is going to last a hell of a lot longer than that house. And it won't get termites. Bad analogy, I know. But it's an investment--in me. Not in my career, b/c we all know how lucrative that is going to be. I think it's better to be poor at 26 and loving what I'm doing than it was to be financially stable at 23 and completely lost emotionally and mentally.

So, if you're a writer and you're lucky enough to find a community of writers that you respect, you're lucky enough to have the discipline and the time to study the craft and practice and revise on your own, then congratulations. I needed structure, guidance, and support. Not deadlines...those are arbitrary. I can give myself deadlines and I can follow them, but if I wasn't in school I'd just keep writing the same thing over and over again because I couldn't figure out on my own what wasn't working.

Really, I think the whole debate is about as stupid as whether chocolate or vanilla is better. It's a matter of opinion, and I get mad whenever I hear people spouting off opinions as fact. (Pot & kettle? Perhaps)

And that's enough of that.

***

I've been reading a lot this week, along with my crazy fluke of prolificness. Joy Harjo's She Had Some Horses, Philip Levine's What Work Is, and Hemingway's A Moveable Feast. Do you hear "which one of these is not like the other?" from Sesame Street in your head? Me too. But I decided my persona reads Hemingway, which means now I have to. I read The Sun Also Rises when I was a junior in high school and loved it, but when I took a Hemingway and Fitzgerald seminar in college, I felt like Hemingway paled next to Fitzgerald and didn't enjoy his stuff very much. So I'm going back to it, to see what I might have missed. I like that it's quick reading, but still it's not coming to life for me. Maybe the memoir isn't the right place to start. It seems I can sum it up like this: "went to the cafe. went to the track. talked to gertrude stein. went back to the cafe. talked to another famous writer. had sex with my wife. went to the cafe." There are some interesting moments when he talks about writing, but for the most part...eh.

I've always felt like a little bit of a fraud because I don't like most of the fiction that English majors are supposed to rave about. Vonnegut? He's alright. Faulkner? Never finished anything I was supposed to read of his. Sentences and paragraphs are not synonyms. Henry James? I'd rather poke my eyeballs out than pick up The American again. I did love Steinbeck's East of Eden, but wasn't nearly as impressed with The Pearl. Grapes of Wrath? Haven't read it. Why can't I get my head around the stuff I'm "supposed" to like? Is there something wrong with me, or does everyone else just pretend to like it? Am I the only one who's no good at faking it?

strange...

If you google "Akron Debutante Ball 2006," my blog is the 10th result. Cool. Too bad if you google poems or teaching, I'm about one million and tenth.

Mindful Ramblings 2.0

Well, I did it. I updated my blog.

Still working on that blogrolling thing. It seems I can't use the one-touch blogroll thingy without changing my security settings, and I don't want to do that. I think I forgot some people I had on there before, and added some new ones. Really, I shouldn't be messing with my blog right now anyhow (so much to do before school tomorrow!) so it's just going to stay that way for now.

I'm excited about the labels, though. That's probably the main reason I broke down and updated.

Yep, I like this one better.

Blog roll and stuff

I've decided to add a blog roll to my blog this morning. I don't know how long it will last--I'll have to try it from my laptop before I know if I really like it.

I don't know if there's some kind of blogger etiquette about adding people to blogrolls, but if you find yourself here, it's b/c I enjoy your blog. Hope that's okay.

I want a new template, too...I really don't like the font or the layout of the headers and titles on the old one, and I don't know enough about HTML to fix just the parts I don't like. We'll see what happens. Hopefully I don't ruin anything in the process.

First Timer

I've been thinking about starting a blog for a while now and practicing on MySpace, and I believe I'm finally ready to play with the big dogs. Besides, I think my high school friends are getting tired of reading about my academic and poetic woes, so I've decided to reach out to a wider audience--and hopefully an audience that will appreciate my ramblings.

I'm getting close to thesis-writing time and frantically trying to get some publications under my belt, so I imagine most of my posts will be related, although I can't deny that once in a while I'm likely to complain about grading papers or a failed sentence structure exercise in my freshman composition class. Either way, welcome to my brain.