On Fitting In

When I was a teenager, and probably even before that, all that mattered in the world was fitting in. I think (no, I know) I've blogged about this before. On the left, you'll see one of my many failed attempts at fitting in. This particular time, I was at a Christian Workcamp--you know, the kind where a bunch of teenagers get into their pastors' vans, drive to some rural, underprivileged area, and slap some paint (or roof tar, in my case) on someone's dilapidated house all day, then come back to the high school they've turned into a bunk house at night for praying, dancing, and flirting (I know, it's a weird combination, but it's true). Anyway, I think I was 15 in this picture, and all the "cool" kids at the time were skaters--I guess to me that meant baggy tee-shirts (which I wore for most of the 90's anyway), baggy jeans (which I borrowed from a boy I had a crush on), and wallet chains (even though I didn't carry a wallet). That whole day, I thought I was so cool, but the second I got home and got this film developed, I realized I looked ridiculous.

Anyway, this is all just supposed to be a metaphor, but I got carried away. This post is actually about who I am in the blogosphere. And lately, I feel like I don't fit in. Maybe that's okay, who knows? But I find myself reading other people's blogs and wondering, "how can my blog be more like this one?" And "Why don't I get as many hits as this blogger?" It's silly, really. My blog is my blog...as in, it is the online representation of ME--not a crafted persona, just an honest, (perhaps too honest) projection of who I am in the real world, all the whining and self-deprecating that my closest friends get to hear on a daily basis put down in print for the whole world to see. If they want to. If they happen to Image search "uvula" or google "18-year-old boys" or any other random phrase that continues to get more hits than anything poetry related does. And if it's real and genuine, why would I change it?

Well, because no one likes a whiner. Because I hate reading through my archives and realizing how often I come here when I'm in a bad mood. And because I recently found out that my students do actually read my blog (I didn't think they'd care enough, but I guess I was being naive) and giggle about it in class the next day. Because at this point, with my first chapbook right around the corner and every day my life as a poet feeling more and more like a career, maybe I should start thinking of this blog as a tool and not just a space to vent and ramble. Some folks have been talking about blog reincarnation, and of course, some folks have been doing it, and I'm wondering if maybe I should join the crowd.

But the fact is, even if I got a new url, I'd most likely slip back into my old habits, because, like I said, this is me. So, I do need to go through the archives and delete things my students don't need to read (and proabably a million other people don't need to read either), but I don't need a new blog. Do I need an attitude adjustment (that sounds so much like my mother) all around? More than likely. A little less whining and a little more curiousity...that's what I need to go for right here and in real life. A new goal, I guess. Here goes...