Lately, I seem to have forgotten the root of all this madness in my life: an absolute obsession with writing. When I decided to go to grad school instead of going on the HR job market 4 years ago, it was so I could find out if writing could be more than a hobby for me. Could I stick with it? Would I continue to enjoy it if I didn't have to steal the time from something else? Would I be able to hone my tiny gift into a real talent, a skill that might bring someone (besides me) some enjoyment?
The answer to all those questions is a resounding "yes," but I haven't written a poem just because in months. Everything has been about finishing my thesis. Will this poem fit? Will my workshopping buddies approve? Will my profs/thesis committee be proud of what I've done?
That's not to say that I don't like the poems I've written for my thesis--I LOVE most of them, I'm amazed at what I've learned and what I've managed to accomplish these past few years... but today, I'm feeling like everything I do is a business transaction. I'm tired of weighing priorities and itemizing every minute so I can keep up with it all. Where's the spontaneous creativity, the blood-pounding, skin crawling need to put pen to paper? Have I intellectualized it away?
This isn't a crisis of faith or anything; I'm not changing my plans for pursuing a PhD and I'm going to continue trying to publish, I'm just worried that I'm taking myself and this part of my life much too seriously. I need to let the joy back in. Maybe throw away the to do list and just follow my whims. But that's not very practical, and I still have a lot to do if I want my plans to work out the way I think they will.
Maybe this has to do with the fact that I completely, completely bombed the subject test this morning. I'll be surprised if I'm in the 40th percentile. I care only because I usually do better, because I usually try harder...but I chose not to study and what can I expect after making a decision like that? I'm still hoping that the other parts of my application out weigh whatever the outcome of this test was, but I'm embarrased that I didn't put in more effort.
Alas, there's nothing I can do now, except go pour a glass of wine and try to relax. I can start stressing out again in the morning, right?
the anxieties of blue skies
1 week ago
1 comment:
Sara:
You will be just fine. Edward R. Murrow once asked Albert Einstein, "What is the secret to your success?" Alber Einstein immediately responded, "That's easy. My education." Murrow was no slouch himself, and said, "Then I have only one more question: What is education?" Einstein replied with the following:
"Education is everything you remember after you forget everything you were forced to learn in school."
Yes, you are writing poems which speak to your thesis. Yes you have little time to write anything else. Yes, you worry about the poems once they will hit the workshop environment. But you are in essence, training. Once you are out an about, away from any program (I don't know if your Ph. D. is going to be in lit, comp, or creative writing) yu will write those poems for yourself.
Bob Dylan sung "You gotta serve somebody" and he was right. Once you are on your own as a poet, you will be serving yourself. It has nothing to do with time either.
Every time I finished one of my chapbooks or full legth manuscripts, I have been overcome with a sense of dread, that I no longer have a reason to continue writing---that I will never write anything else because there is no scaffolding, no external construct for my writing. I am wrong every time.
As for the low score on your test. I bet you did better than you think. If you did poorly, it isn't a catastrophe, it's just an interesting story. After all, you yourself said the score isn't a requirement.
Go forth and multiply and replenish the earth with poems.
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