5% or The Wish Factor

A few weeks ago, on one of those rare, warm February nights, I was standing outside of a bar with a friend and a homeless guy stopped to talk to us. Or maybe he wasn't homeless, but he was certainly transient. Anyway, he was kind of magical. His name was Lamar and he said:

In this economy, hope isn't enough. It's the wish factor that gets us through.

He said:

This life is 95% bullshit. 5% beautiful.

I've been trying to turn Lamar into a poem ever since, but it just isn't coming.

The thing is, I think Lamar's 5% beautiful is poetry. That's the point, right? Rilke said: "describe your sorrows and desires, passing thoughts, and the belief in some sort of beauty." It was easier when that's all poetry was to me. Before it was a career, a vocation--before it was something I wanted other people to read. Back when it was private, when I would have set a poem on fire with a Bic lighter rather than reading it to a room full of people.

I've been caught up in the 95% for way too long.

*

When I first moved here, I had a 5% moment. It was the first day of class and I was feeling down-right shitty about being in Chicago. But I walked onto the subway platform and this guy was singing. The song sounded familiar but I didn't know why until he got to the chorus. The song was "Sara Smiles." That day, while I waited for the train and listened to this guy singing, I thought: Okay, I can do this.

Replace sent-from-heaven guy with an acoustic guitar with wanna be R&B star who calls himself R. Kelly #2 for the next six months and you have my 95% bullshit. I don't know how people get their subway musician passes, but they should really do it on a rotating basis so you don't have to listen to the same routine every morning. But I'm getting off track.

The other day, "Sara Smiles" guy was back. And he was singing "Stand By Me," which is not as personally poignant, but still a fantastic song. And it was so, so great to hear him. And I gave him a dollar, even though I wanted to give him every penny in my purse because he kept me from jumping on the tracks that first day (okay, so that's a little melodramatic) and I wanted to miss my train and sit and listen to him all day. But I'm shy, and I felt silly giving him a dollar, especially since the spot where I always stand when I'm waiting for my transfer is at the opposite of the platform from where he was singing. I wanted to ask him to sing my song, but I could barely look at him and smile when I put my dollar in his guitar case. So I just listened to "Stand By Me," blushing and staring at the floor and smiling, and being thankful for 5%.