All semester, I was playing this little smoke-don't smoke game with myself, and for most of the semester, I was doing pretty well. A couple cigarettes a week, sometimes up to a pack a week, which was way better than my usual pack a day. Unfortunately, the last three weeks have gotten the best of me and I am once again a full time smoker. Except, I decided today was the day to get back on the wagon, and it is no fun. It's awful how quickly cigarettes become an extension of my body and I don't know what to do without them. I'm very frustrated because I wasted 4 months of really good progress of learning how to deal with my cravings and breaking the habit and all. Obviously, I wasn't 100% successful because I rarely went more than 4 or 5 days without at least one cigarette, but I'd made progress. And now I feel like I'm back at square one. And annoyed about it.
It's weird, though. I'm not annoyed that it's difficult to quit. I get that. I'm annoyed that I have to quit. I'm annoyed that one of my favorite things to do is eventually going to kill me. Unless I stop doing it. Blah. Would I stop writing if that caused cancer? Nope. So why do I have to stop this?
Alright, enough feeling sorry for myself. I need to find a distraction. Like going through my storage room and purging my files. That will keep me busy for a few hours.
Poem: Far Gone
2 days ago
2 comments:
Oh, I'm sorry you have this struggle. As a former smoker myslef, I've learned to live with the realization that I am only one cigarette away from being a smoker again...and I will always find the smell of cigarettes tantalizing, and yes, its a shame that something so enjoyable (and non-smokers just don't understand this) is so deadly. But all you really need to quit is a made-up mind.
Thanks Talia. It's the making up my mind that isn't working so far. Sooner or later I'll get it.
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