Morning Routine

Ever since I moved into the new place, I've been starting my day on the porch with a cup of coffee and a cigarette. Sometimes with a book, or a note book, but a lot of times just to sit there and let my head unclutter. Today, it's 50 degrees, which was a tad uncomfortable. And it's just going to get colder. I don't know what I'm going to do when summer completely gives way to fall. It's not the same sitting in the garage.

I'm struggling this semester with keeping things balanced. Obviously, by my previous posts this month, I'm not feeling...emotionally stable...these days, which isn't terribly odd for me (or most poets, I assume, but there's another stereotype), but I can't put my finger on exactly why, and that's frustrating. I'm happy to be doing what I'm doing, but for some reason, nothing feels right.

I've barely written since I got home from Arizona, which was almost two months ago. I think I have 3 or 4 new poems. I have to get my thesis to my committee in about 33 days (but who's counting?) and I don't feel like I've written everything that I need to write. In a perfect world, I would write 10-15 more poems in the next couple weeks so I could cut out a few of the older ones. It's not that I'm unhappy with the old ones, it's just that I feel like I'm forcing them to fit. When I met with Steve (Reader #3) last week, he asked me about some of the grandfather mobster poems, thought they should be grouped together, at the beginning, and I've been resisting doing just that because I don't want my thesis to be in chronological order. But he's right--those poems don't blend well with the rest. I think if I'm going to do something with that whole family secret nonsense, I need to dedicate a lot of time to it, a lot of research. And I don't have time for that. I'm thinking second book. I know my thesis doesn't have to be perfect, doesn't have to be ready to go in the mail the day after my defense, but I can't help wanting it to be a cohesive whole, and it doesn't feel that way to me just yet.

As far as the rest of my life goes, I'm behind on everything. Granted, I'm only behind based on the target dates I set for myself, but I'm still behind. I haven't spent much time studying for the GRE, I haven't narrowed down my PhD list, I haven't started thinking about my writing sample or my personal statement. I have only sent out one submission packet. I haven't become the super-prepared and enthusiastic teacher I imagine myself to be. And my apartment is, as always, a mess, despite my promise to myself that I would keep up with my laundry and clean on a regular basis.

People have a tendency to tell me I'm being too hard on myself when I get into moods like this, but here's the thing: I'm by nature a very slow moving, low energy person. If I let up on myself I will get absolutely nothing done. Because when I push myself like this, I still find time to watch at least 2 hours of TV every day, so just imagine what I would be doing if I told myself it was okay to relax? I've struggled with this most of my life. I'm very driven, I like to have a lot on my plate, and I'm at my best when I'm juggling. But at the same time, I love to sit around and daydream, I love to read romance novels and watch stupid movies, and there's nothing better than waking up in the morning and deciding to roll over and go back to sleep. I have a very hard time finding the balance.

Well, enough of this introspection. Time to check out the to-do list and decide what to stress myself out about today.