The Universe is Telling Me

to shut up and write (something other than a blog).

Kelly, who always has something thoughtful & true to say about the writer's life, posted this advice for writers:

Do not allow yourself the luxury of excuses. This is the tough love part of the show. This is the part where I say this to you because I want you to achieve your dreams. There is *always* an excuse not to write. Every poet and writer can create a thousand reasons they aren't writing. There are a thousand reasons not to go back to school and get your MFA. There are a thousand reasons not to finish your book, your poem, your essay. There are a thousand reasons not to carve a space in the day for you to write. We all have busy lives with or without kids, with or without jobs, with or without sadness, with or without X. Writing is choice. If you want to write, you'll find the time. No excuses. And remember, you're loved.

*

I was talking to one of my office mates the other day, and we were discussing how another of our office mates likes to work with the door shut. How stifling that can be when there are 2 or 3 people in a small room. But then she said, "but sometimes, I have to close the door so I can write. Because I can't just not write."

I can't remember the last time I felt that way. Which is strange because I started on this long, MFA-seeking path because I felt that way every single day.

Once I learned that writing isn't about inspiration (okay, some days it is, but most days, it's pedal to the metal, fingers to the keys work), I stopped feeling the urgency. The ideas will still be there when there's time, I said, I have to finish this paper for my lit class, I have to grade these essays, I have to do 12 loads of laundry because I've got nothing left to wear. I didn't think they were excuses. I knew the writing would get done--it had to. I had a thesis pending in the distance, and it was always on my to do list.

So now, today, this first semester post-MFA, there's no more thesis on my to do list. There is a line for "send out ms" and a line for "start new project," but there isn't a line for "write new poems."

Teaching is an energy vampire for me. One hour of standing up in front of a room is like 4 hours of quiet time at my desk. By the time I'm done teaching for the day, I feel like I've run a marathon. I know--a lot of people (say, high school teachers) teach three times as much as I do in a day, and they still manage to get things done. But I'm also very slow at transitions. Takes me a long time to get used to new things, and this semester, I am still not used to being a full-time (I don't care what my title is, this is a full load) instructor.

So, that's my excuse. The one that isn't good enough. And maybe, just maybe, if I sit down to write every day, that will pump the energy back into me. Maybe, just maybe, if I go back to the root of how/why I'm where I am today, I will learn to love being here.

* Update, 11:22 p.m. - After a two hour meeting, grading, teaching, and two hours of conferences, I managed to come home and write five pages of prose! That's the whole page, margin-to-margin. It really can be done!